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readingjag's review against another edition
3.0
The data shows that our modern concept of "parenting" as a job with an outcome (you will grow into a good adult if I do everything correctly) is super misguided and not helpful. It really doesn't matter what style of parenting we choose, what matters is that we create fertile soil in which our children can develop and grow. The adults they turn into, well, just like in a garden you get things you don't expect, you get failure, you get rot, you get joyful surprises. It was a nice analogy.
A bit heavy on the self-aggrandizing "grandmothers are the best things in society" angle that she takes here, however. I get it, you as a baby boomer grandmother, are god's gift to your family. So many cutesy stories of how important she is in her grandchild's life were distracting for me from the research and science supporting her argument.
A bit heavy on the self-aggrandizing "grandmothers are the best things in society" angle that she takes here, however. I get it, you as a baby boomer grandmother, are god's gift to your family. So many cutesy stories of how important she is in her grandchild's life were distracting for me from the research and science supporting her argument.
librarystax's review against another edition
2.0
Took me forever to read. Wasn’t bad, but I don’t really know what I learned from it. I liked the studies and the argument against “parenting” and for allowing more play and exploration. However, where some NF books seem to harp on the same point over and over again and you can’t miss it, this one seems to have a lot of different things going on and I’m not sure I quite know what the point was. Plus there’s some parts that seem pretty far left field, and the solutions given, though I agree with them, seem to sometimes focus more on legislative and societal shifts required instead of things one can simply implement at home.
andrejt's review against another edition
2.0
The book makes a sensible argument that parents should build a nurturing environment instead of trying to shape their children. Hence the gardener vs. carpenter metaphor. However, the book doesn't provide much information on how to build a nurturing environment. It isn't very well structured and it freely crosses the boundary between contemplation and rambling. The few more empirical parts were interesting, but they cherrypicked evidence without offering a more critical assessment or convincing readers that one study of a village in Guatemala or a small-sample lab experiment at Berkeley are generalizable in any meaningful way.
emilywithpluck's review against another edition
Repetitive content even early in the book. I prefer child development information to be presented more straightforwardly
kcosmic's review against another edition
5.0
I appreciated this book that consolidates science to help parents understand how society has influenced child rearing and that reminds us that the way we raise our kids is not inherently natural.
erikars's review against another edition
5.0
This was a fairly quick read that packed in a lot of depth. The central premise of the book is that "parenting" as a verb, as an act of trying to produce a certain type of adult, is a endeavor that does not work well and makes us less happy. Instead, we should think of being a parent as providing an environment where the unique relationship between children and those who care for them (parents or otherwise) can help them learn about and explore the world.
Humans have a long period of childhood relative to most animals. This childhood provides a chance for a long period of exploration, learning, and variability. Parents transmit their cultural and technological knowledge to children and children take that and shape their knowledge so that eventually they can shape the world themselves.
However, learning generally does not happen through the intentional education that we provide when we set out to provide enriching experiences to our children. It does not come from flash cards, educational videos, tutoring, or any of the many other aids that we provide to help train children how to perform well on tests. Instead, children learn most effectively through observation and conversation. Children imitate adults in very intentional ways. They do not merely copy behavior. Instead, even from an early age, children work on inferring the goal and knowledge level of the person they are watching and will explore and vary their imitation to try to accomplish the goal more effectively. Children also ask questions quite intentionally. When children form endless chains of whys, the questions generally work to strengthen their ability to predict how the world works. '
Children learn best through play. That does not mean that unstructured environments are the best for learning (although they are likely better than overly structured environments). Rather, what works best is when adults provide scaffolding: rich environments which trigger curiosity about interesting topics, pointers for when children want to learn more, and perhaps most importantly, a playmate. Play is delicate though. As soon as play starts to feel required or like work, it will stop being play and learning will grind to a halt.
Young children are focused on the broad, messy process of exploration. As children get older, they work more on developing their ability to exploit the knowledge they have. Older children work on refining the skills they have until they can perform them with ease. Older children are more sober and reliable, in many ways, than teenagers. During the teenage years the brain once again prioritizes exploration, this time exploration into the world of independence. It is commonly believed that the teenage brain is quite immature and as a consequence that, perhaps, we should give teens less rights and responsibilities until they are older. However, this model is wrong in a small but important way. The teenage brain is immature, but the prefrontal cortex control that will make a teenage brain into a sober adult brain does not develop at a certain age. It develops through use. Thus, instead of giving teens less responsibility and then throwing them out into the world as adults, we should be giving them more responsibility sooner -- but in an environment where the consequences of their actions ramp up slowly.
Parents are often concerned about the affect of technology on children. Gopnik points out that as much as we are seeing change now, past technologies like reading, trains, and telegraphs caused at least as much societal change as the internet. Yet now we barely think of these as technologies anymore. Technology is disorienting when it is introduced to adults because we no longer explore playfully (partially because our brains are less plastic, but also because we do not let ourselves). Our children will develop new techniques and new norms for dealing with technology. This does not mean that technology doesn't have an impact. Written text, fast travel, and instant communication have changed the course of human existence -- and not always for the better. New technologies such as the internet continue to do so. However, what we do not need to worry about is that our children will be adrift on the technologies of today. They will see them as natural.
As an aside, one of the interesting things about reading is that readers have significant portions of their brain that are specialized for reading. This is despite the fact that reading has happened much more recently than could have been accounted for by biological evolution. The reading brain co-opted processing centers, such as visual centers which detect edges, to become so efficient that reading is both fluid and involuntary. The mind is incredibly adaptable.
Gopnik ends on a chapter about how we value children. Having a child is choosing to take part in a special relationship that will change a person forever. Parents, in a very real well, do not just consider their children's interests as important as their own. Parents seem to literally treat the interests of their young children, as their own interests. Yet raising children also has traditionally been a community task. Care takers throughout a community have had roles in making sure that children have both the material and social resources they need to thrive. This is something we have lost in our industrial and postindustrial society. Figuring out how to modernize this sort of community care which is not based in generics but in specific relationships is a pressing problem of our time. Gopnik also points out that taking care of parents as they age is a similar problem. As a society, we tend to treat it as a problem each family needs to solve individually, but we could structure our society to value care taking and provide better support for care takers.
Anyone who cares about children, whether or not they have or plan to have their own, should read this book.
Humans have a long period of childhood relative to most animals. This childhood provides a chance for a long period of exploration, learning, and variability. Parents transmit their cultural and technological knowledge to children and children take that and shape their knowledge so that eventually they can shape the world themselves.
However, learning generally does not happen through the intentional education that we provide when we set out to provide enriching experiences to our children. It does not come from flash cards, educational videos, tutoring, or any of the many other aids that we provide to help train children how to perform well on tests. Instead, children learn most effectively through observation and conversation. Children imitate adults in very intentional ways. They do not merely copy behavior. Instead, even from an early age, children work on inferring the goal and knowledge level of the person they are watching and will explore and vary their imitation to try to accomplish the goal more effectively. Children also ask questions quite intentionally. When children form endless chains of whys, the questions generally work to strengthen their ability to predict how the world works. '
Children learn best through play. That does not mean that unstructured environments are the best for learning (although they are likely better than overly structured environments). Rather, what works best is when adults provide scaffolding: rich environments which trigger curiosity about interesting topics, pointers for when children want to learn more, and perhaps most importantly, a playmate. Play is delicate though. As soon as play starts to feel required or like work, it will stop being play and learning will grind to a halt.
Young children are focused on the broad, messy process of exploration. As children get older, they work more on developing their ability to exploit the knowledge they have. Older children work on refining the skills they have until they can perform them with ease. Older children are more sober and reliable, in many ways, than teenagers. During the teenage years the brain once again prioritizes exploration, this time exploration into the world of independence. It is commonly believed that the teenage brain is quite immature and as a consequence that, perhaps, we should give teens less rights and responsibilities until they are older. However, this model is wrong in a small but important way. The teenage brain is immature, but the prefrontal cortex control that will make a teenage brain into a sober adult brain does not develop at a certain age. It develops through use. Thus, instead of giving teens less responsibility and then throwing them out into the world as adults, we should be giving them more responsibility sooner -- but in an environment where the consequences of their actions ramp up slowly.
Parents are often concerned about the affect of technology on children. Gopnik points out that as much as we are seeing change now, past technologies like reading, trains, and telegraphs caused at least as much societal change as the internet. Yet now we barely think of these as technologies anymore. Technology is disorienting when it is introduced to adults because we no longer explore playfully (partially because our brains are less plastic, but also because we do not let ourselves). Our children will develop new techniques and new norms for dealing with technology. This does not mean that technology doesn't have an impact. Written text, fast travel, and instant communication have changed the course of human existence -- and not always for the better. New technologies such as the internet continue to do so. However, what we do not need to worry about is that our children will be adrift on the technologies of today. They will see them as natural.
As an aside, one of the interesting things about reading is that readers have significant portions of their brain that are specialized for reading. This is despite the fact that reading has happened much more recently than could have been accounted for by biological evolution. The reading brain co-opted processing centers, such as visual centers which detect edges, to become so efficient that reading is both fluid and involuntary. The mind is incredibly adaptable.
Gopnik ends on a chapter about how we value children. Having a child is choosing to take part in a special relationship that will change a person forever. Parents, in a very real well, do not just consider their children's interests as important as their own. Parents seem to literally treat the interests of their young children, as their own interests. Yet raising children also has traditionally been a community task. Care takers throughout a community have had roles in making sure that children have both the material and social resources they need to thrive. This is something we have lost in our industrial and postindustrial society. Figuring out how to modernize this sort of community care which is not based in generics but in specific relationships is a pressing problem of our time. Gopnik also points out that taking care of parents as they age is a similar problem. As a society, we tend to treat it as a problem each family needs to solve individually, but we could structure our society to value care taking and provide better support for care takers.
Anyone who cares about children, whether or not they have or plan to have their own, should read this book.
mrsdragon's review against another edition
3.0
This book came well recommended and as someone already on board with the ideas of treating children with respect and giving them room to discover things on their own, I thought it would be an interesting read. Instead, it was an exercise in rolling my eyes at the sheer boomer audacity of it all.
I agree with the overall thesis of the book...children do best when we seek to give them tools (critical thinking) and not answers. The stories of the experiments the author has run in her lab were fascinating glimpses into brain development and the science behind that thesis. But, that could have easily been a single article, or, if you really wanted all the details on the experiments, a chapter or two. The rest of the book is fluffed up variously with poor "evolutionary" arguments she is setting up to debunk, truisms of dubious accuracy, her own personal interactions with her grandsons, and throwaway, single sentence, asides on politically charged topics. Despite her stated intentions, her phrasing is often breathtakingly callous (we love children "despite" any medical conditions they may have? With a heavy implication that this is senseless and illogical? Giving children ADHD meds is "drugging 3 year olds"?). If you can push past that the intended messages (we love our children unconditionally, schools should change to accommodate a diversity of brains rather than expecting all children to conform to a single mold) are good but constantly doing so is exhausting. Especially for so little "meat".
If you are looking for actual help on HOW to parent this way, pick up [b:Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child|27276440|Raising Human Beings Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child|Ross W. Greene|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1470579356l/27276440._SY75_.jpg|47330713] or [b:How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk|769016|How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk|Adele Faber|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1442201568l/769016._SY75_.jpg|2738870]. For a more substantial discussion of some adjacent theory, pick up [b:Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes|541132|Punished by Rewards The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes|Alfie Kohn|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1422456630l/541132._SY75_.jpg|776112].
I agree with the overall thesis of the book...children do best when we seek to give them tools (critical thinking) and not answers. The stories of the experiments the author has run in her lab were fascinating glimpses into brain development and the science behind that thesis. But, that could have easily been a single article, or, if you really wanted all the details on the experiments, a chapter or two. The rest of the book is fluffed up variously with poor "evolutionary" arguments she is setting up to debunk, truisms of dubious accuracy, her own personal interactions with her grandsons, and throwaway, single sentence, asides on politically charged topics. Despite her stated intentions, her phrasing is often breathtakingly callous (we love children "despite" any medical conditions they may have? With a heavy implication that this is senseless and illogical? Giving children ADHD meds is "drugging 3 year olds"?). If you can push past that the intended messages (we love our children unconditionally, schools should change to accommodate a diversity of brains rather than expecting all children to conform to a single mold) are good but constantly doing so is exhausting. Especially for so little "meat".
If you are looking for actual help on HOW to parent this way, pick up [b:Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child|27276440|Raising Human Beings Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child|Ross W. Greene|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1470579356l/27276440._SY75_.jpg|47330713] or [b:How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk|769016|How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk|Adele Faber|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1442201568l/769016._SY75_.jpg|2738870]. For a more substantial discussion of some adjacent theory, pick up [b:Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes|541132|Punished by Rewards The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes|Alfie Kohn|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1422456630l/541132._SY75_.jpg|776112].