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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
sydneyyylove's review against another edition
3.5 stars super informative but I didn’t love the style
kyra_c_c's review against another edition
5.0
I think most women (and people whose partners are women) would benefit from reading this book. Maybe everybody should read this book!?
I loved how Nagoski unpacks cultural and medical myths around genitalia and sexuality. I learned a lot of great facts I can now use to help others (I hope). I found the sections on spontaneous desire vs responsive desire and the section on nonjudgemental noticing of your emotions particularly useful. I found her firm encouragement and battle cry that we are all normal very heartening. I too am sick of living in a world where women's sexuality is manipulated, dismissed and punished.
I found it very easy to read, although it is packed with so many metaphors that sometimes it was hard to remember what she was talking about ("Rats! Gardens! Monitors! Wait, what metaphor was that thing referring to again again?!"). I found the case studies hard to follow as they were very broken up, with bits of story appearing in the relevant chapter which was helpful but made it hard to hold onto the composites as a whole. Anyway, those are two very minor complaints about what was a fantastic book.
I'll finish with one of my fave bits
"When people ask me, "Am I normal?" they're asking "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn it by conforming to some externally imposed sexual standard"
I loved how Nagoski unpacks cultural and medical myths around genitalia and sexuality. I learned a lot of great facts I can now use to help others (I hope). I found the sections on spontaneous desire vs responsive desire and the section on nonjudgemental noticing of your emotions particularly useful. I found her firm encouragement and battle cry that we are all normal very heartening. I too am sick of living in a world where women's sexuality is manipulated, dismissed and punished.
I found it very easy to read, although it is packed with so many metaphors that sometimes it was hard to remember what she was talking about ("Rats! Gardens! Monitors! Wait, what metaphor was that thing referring to again again?!"). I found the case studies hard to follow as they were very broken up, with bits of story appearing in the relevant chapter which was helpful but made it hard to hold onto the composites as a whole. Anyway, those are two very minor complaints about what was a fantastic book.
I'll finish with one of my fave bits
"When people ask me, "Am I normal?" they're asking "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn it by conforming to some externally imposed sexual standard"
roxymaybe's review against another edition
5.0
I want to scatter this book in public places for strangers to find. I want to put it in loot bags at birthday parties. I want to print the whole thing on a t-shirt and wear it around town. It's great, and the conversational style is exceedingly readable. It's written specifically for cis women (the author acknowledges that she doesn't have the research to speak authoritatively about trans*/intersex people's experiences) but a lot of the concepts she covers are applicable to all people. In fact, that's one of the main motifs - that we all have the same parts, arranged in unique ways. It also has a focus on couples in long-term, monogamous relationships, and a lot of her exercises have to do with working together with your partner to work on specific issues. However, again, most of her suggestions can be applied in a variety of situations. My main beef with this book is the gratuitous use of the word "feels" (mass noun). I hate that word. It speaks volumes to this book that I still love it despite how often that word shows up. Read this book!
debbie234's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
6/5 stars⭐️
Literally life changing, not only in sexual matters but also in personal, emotional matters. It delivered so much more than I expected. It is a very complete book, written with empathy for the reader, and clearly out of love for the subject and with immense knowledge from the author.
Literally life changing, not only in sexual matters but also in personal, emotional matters. It delivered so much more than I expected. It is a very complete book, written with empathy for the reader, and clearly out of love for the subject and with immense knowledge from the author.
this_works_now's review against another edition
informative
slow-paced
5.0
As a happily married woman well into my 40s, this is all the missing
info we never got back in our sex ed days! I truly wish I'd had this book back when I was just getting into relationships, so that I could understand that I was totally normal in all my preferences, feelings and challenges. It would have saved me so much stress and worry.
This book is targeted towards cisgender heteronormative women, just a heads up!
info we never got back in our sex ed days! I truly wish I'd had this book back when I was just getting into relationships, so that I could understand that I was totally normal in all my preferences, feelings and challenges. It would have saved me so much stress and worry.
This book is targeted towards cisgender heteronormative women, just a heads up!
rachellarson2019's review against another edition
4.0
I really liked this book! While other reviewers found the authors metaphors and “dumbing down” of scientific concepts to be offensively condescending to women (implying women can’t grasp complex science), I found it very helpful. I guess I’m the dum dum this book was written for.
While I’m not partnered and so don’t need the specific relationship advice, I had wanted to read this book as part of my work towards undoing harm from purity culture and trying to address some trauma. I had knowledge of some of what is covered (responsive arousal, basic anatomy) thanks to Dr Celeste Holbrook on Instagram, but those and many other things were covered by this author in extensive detail. I wish a lot of this was taught as sex Ed before people enter into relationships.
The overwhelming message of this book is that everyone has all of the same parts (physical and emotional), just arranged in different ways and that you are normal.
The parts of the book I found most helpful were around the importance of context and how the stress cycle works and has impact.
While I’m not partnered and so don’t need the specific relationship advice, I had wanted to read this book as part of my work towards undoing harm from purity culture and trying to address some trauma. I had knowledge of some of what is covered (responsive arousal, basic anatomy) thanks to Dr Celeste Holbrook on Instagram, but those and many other things were covered by this author in extensive detail. I wish a lot of this was taught as sex Ed before people enter into relationships.
The overwhelming message of this book is that everyone has all of the same parts (physical and emotional), just arranged in different ways and that you are normal.
The parts of the book I found most helpful were around the importance of context and how the stress cycle works and has impact.
kayexplores's review against another edition
4.0
I wish we learned these concepts in high school health class! This book will have an impact in my life.
For drawbacks, I didn’t click with a central metaphor in the book, “the monitor”, and found the writing to spiral sometimes. However, this is still a must-read book. Thank you to the author!
For drawbacks, I didn’t click with a central metaphor in the book, “the monitor”, and found the writing to spiral sometimes. However, this is still a must-read book. Thank you to the author!