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809 reviews for:
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends as an Adult
Marisa G. Franco
4.09 AVERAGE
809 reviews for:
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends as an Adult
Marisa G. Franco
4.09 AVERAGE
challenging
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
relaxing
medium-paced
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
This book taught me a lot of useful language to help articulate friendship values. And now I want to buy it for everyone I love.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
A pleasant read but tbh I've forgotten most of what I read mere days later... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
informative
reflective
medium-paced
This book is five stars and it earned every single one of them. It is one of the wisest and most useful books I’ve potentially ever read. Marisa dives into the research so deeply, but somehow makes it feel practical and approachable. I loved this book and will definitely read it again.
Here are many of my favorite parts:
Platonic
Unrelated to platonic - “if you’re not practicing contentment where you are, you are not going to be content when you get what you want.” Tony hale
You might not see yourself in this book because you might not be in the white Hetero research - appreciate the disclaimer
Group therapy - helping others not as put downs but acts of love
Nothing can be changed until it is faced - James Baldwin
Learning through knowing versus learning through experience
“When I’m alone, I eat standing up, when I’m with friends, I eat paying attention” person in the book (Harriet)
Platonic love – love for someone’s soul originally viewed as superior to romantic love, because it does not value someone’s body
The affect of loneliness on our mortality is a kin to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
Other studies show that a person with friends views a terrorist as less threatening or a hill as less steep
Eros has naked bodies - friendships have naked personalities
Friendship as a means to systemic change (having one friend in an out group alters people’s response to that entire out group)
Trust is required for society to operate
Abraham Lincoln gay?
Jessie and the lie about having celiac disease (and how friendship healed her)
Our shame comes less from the inherent agony of our experiences and more from the agony of these experiences severing us from humankind. How do we feel human again? Through friendship.
What we try to suppress defines us. Anything unspeakable to you is affecting you.
A study finds that seeing friends excluded activates the same parts of the brain, as when we ourselves are excluded. This shows that empathy is an important part of friendship.
Oxytocin nasal spray and trust study
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
The way we view others - did Eric spill or pour the milk on me?
Speaks incorrectly about disorganized attachment
Pronoia - the belief that everything is out to help you (opposes paranoia)
What would you do if you could not fail? - secure people live like this all the time
Hedgehogs dilemma - balance of safety and warmth
Becoming secure INCORRECT - earned security
Anxiously attached people project rejection in benign circumstances. (Definition of rejection sensitivity)
INCORRECT - anxious is the relationship not the person
Growth is bending toward security
Proven practices to make and keep friends:
Initiative
Vulnerability
Authenticity
Anger
Generosity
Affection
We’d rather be ruined than be changed. WH Auden
FRIEND FACT: Someone living in the 2000 have four fewer friends than people living in the 1980s.
Internal and external locus of control
Research shows good friendship is linked to better romantic relationships and higher self esteem.
Research shows: How people think others view them is a better indicator of how people view themselves than how others view them.
PRO TIP: Assume people like you.
PRO TIP: ASK YOURSELF Is it my thoughts or the other persons behavior that are influencing what I think? Try to pinpoint their behaviors.
Overt and covert avoidance
Overt - not going
Covert - going but you’re checked out and not engaged
Propinquity (locationships) - friends are found by people who are physically closer
Mere exposure: Don’t just go to one event. Join a club and commit for three months.
PRO TIP: Be the friend you want.
Research with strop test shows suppressing emotions is not helpful - “the surest way to be consumed by our thoughts is to try and suppress them”
We are at our most powerful, the moment we no longer need to be powerful. - Eric Michael Levinthall A LIGHT FROM THE SHADOWS
Self compassion explanation! Yes!
Men’s friendship struggles - hidden brain and Richard Schwartz
Dominance is a mask from vulnerability - vulnerability and dominance cannot coexist
Maybe you should talk to someone! Yes!
A way to start being more vulnerable with yourself is to start having kinder assumptions about yourself and what others think of you.
Authenticity flourishes in safety. It’s who we are when we aren’t triggered.
Masks are something we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. - James Baldwin
Authenticity is about getting to make the decision to respond in an certain way (ex. honest accommodating) not being pigeonholed into one way of being. Authenticity allows for acting with intention that balances others needs and ours.
Pain prioritizes ourselves over our relationships.
LIST: If we can’t tolerate… we may…
Projection occurs when we assume our feelings mean something about the person who provoked them rather than reflecting our own psyche.
Study finds that when we are authentic rejection isn’t as piercing.
White teachers 4 times as likely to misread emotion in black students.
Burden virtues (ex. Code switching)
Fatigue from cultural compatibility
On evaluating, whether or not to keep a friend: All friendships should do more good than harm
AGREE OR DISAGREE: Anger does more damage in the vessel in which it is stored than it could ever do on where it is poured. - Mark Twain
Anger of hope vs anger of despair
Understanding, validation, and care
If you fuse your mistakes with your worth, then you will never admit fault.
Our truest selves are not revealed during conflict, that is our triggered self.
What happened to you! Yes!
The answer often lies outside of the right wrong boundary. - Cheryl Straid
Sometimes the best way to manage a relationship is to have less of it. - Jeff Simpson on Low Dose Friends
PROBLEM SOLVERS: Admitting fault - asking question - taking a break
Here are many of my favorite parts:
Platonic
Unrelated to platonic - “if you’re not practicing contentment where you are, you are not going to be content when you get what you want.” Tony hale
You might not see yourself in this book because you might not be in the white Hetero research - appreciate the disclaimer
Group therapy - helping others not as put downs but acts of love
Nothing can be changed until it is faced - James Baldwin
Learning through knowing versus learning through experience
“When I’m alone, I eat standing up, when I’m with friends, I eat paying attention” person in the book (Harriet)
Platonic love – love for someone’s soul originally viewed as superior to romantic love, because it does not value someone’s body
The affect of loneliness on our mortality is a kin to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
Other studies show that a person with friends views a terrorist as less threatening or a hill as less steep
Eros has naked bodies - friendships have naked personalities
Friendship as a means to systemic change (having one friend in an out group alters people’s response to that entire out group)
Trust is required for society to operate
Abraham Lincoln gay?
Jessie and the lie about having celiac disease (and how friendship healed her)
Our shame comes less from the inherent agony of our experiences and more from the agony of these experiences severing us from humankind. How do we feel human again? Through friendship.
What we try to suppress defines us. Anything unspeakable to you is affecting you.
A study finds that seeing friends excluded activates the same parts of the brain, as when we ourselves are excluded. This shows that empathy is an important part of friendship.
Oxytocin nasal spray and trust study
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
The way we view others - did Eric spill or pour the milk on me?
Speaks incorrectly about disorganized attachment
Pronoia - the belief that everything is out to help you (opposes paranoia)
What would you do if you could not fail? - secure people live like this all the time
Hedgehogs dilemma - balance of safety and warmth
Becoming secure INCORRECT - earned security
Anxiously attached people project rejection in benign circumstances. (Definition of rejection sensitivity)
INCORRECT - anxious is the relationship not the person
Growth is bending toward security
Proven practices to make and keep friends:
Initiative
Vulnerability
Authenticity
Anger
Generosity
Affection
We’d rather be ruined than be changed. WH Auden
FRIEND FACT: Someone living in the 2000 have four fewer friends than people living in the 1980s.
Internal and external locus of control
Research shows good friendship is linked to better romantic relationships and higher self esteem.
Research shows: How people think others view them is a better indicator of how people view themselves than how others view them.
PRO TIP: Assume people like you.
PRO TIP: ASK YOURSELF Is it my thoughts or the other persons behavior that are influencing what I think? Try to pinpoint their behaviors.
Overt and covert avoidance
Overt - not going
Covert - going but you’re checked out and not engaged
Propinquity (locationships) - friends are found by people who are physically closer
Mere exposure: Don’t just go to one event. Join a club and commit for three months.
PRO TIP: Be the friend you want.
Research with strop test shows suppressing emotions is not helpful - “the surest way to be consumed by our thoughts is to try and suppress them”
We are at our most powerful, the moment we no longer need to be powerful. - Eric Michael Levinthall A LIGHT FROM THE SHADOWS
Self compassion explanation! Yes!
Men’s friendship struggles - hidden brain and Richard Schwartz
Dominance is a mask from vulnerability - vulnerability and dominance cannot coexist
Maybe you should talk to someone! Yes!
A way to start being more vulnerable with yourself is to start having kinder assumptions about yourself and what others think of you.
Authenticity flourishes in safety. It’s who we are when we aren’t triggered.
Masks are something we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. - James Baldwin
Authenticity is about getting to make the decision to respond in an certain way (ex. honest accommodating) not being pigeonholed into one way of being. Authenticity allows for acting with intention that balances others needs and ours.
Pain prioritizes ourselves over our relationships.
LIST: If we can’t tolerate… we may…
Projection occurs when we assume our feelings mean something about the person who provoked them rather than reflecting our own psyche.
Study finds that when we are authentic rejection isn’t as piercing.
White teachers 4 times as likely to misread emotion in black students.
Burden virtues (ex. Code switching)
Fatigue from cultural compatibility
On evaluating, whether or not to keep a friend: All friendships should do more good than harm
AGREE OR DISAGREE: Anger does more damage in the vessel in which it is stored than it could ever do on where it is poured. - Mark Twain
Anger of hope vs anger of despair
Understanding, validation, and care
If you fuse your mistakes with your worth, then you will never admit fault.
Our truest selves are not revealed during conflict, that is our triggered self.
What happened to you! Yes!
The answer often lies outside of the right wrong boundary. - Cheryl Straid
Sometimes the best way to manage a relationship is to have less of it. - Jeff Simpson on Low Dose Friends
PROBLEM SOLVERS: Admitting fault - asking question - taking a break
hopeful
informative
inspiring
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
informative
reflective
relaxing
medium-paced