just_one_more_paige's reviews
1427 reviews

The Moon That Turns You Back: Poems by Hala Alyan

emotional reflective sad medium-paced

4.0

I very rarely pick up poetry, as you know. But this one jumped out at me from the shelf because I have read another piece by the author, a novel, The Arsonists' City, and *loved* it. So I decided to give it a go.

I've had a couple previous poetry collection reading experiences that have been really solid experiences for me, like it was never going to be okay, Lord of the Butterflies, Homie, If They Come for Us, among others, where I feel like I have "understood" the poems. For the most part anyways. Which is about the best I can usually hope for with poetry. But this collection is very firmly falling under the category of: I think I felt the right vibes/feelings, but didn't understand most of the individual pieces and probably only have a grasp of the larger sentiment due to the blurb on the back. Collections like this one are definitely full of, brimming even, with emotion. And yet, they also make me, as a reader, feel...wanting. Like I am not smart enough to "get" the messages and artwork of them. Maybe it's a practice thing, and if I read more, I'd "get" more. But as it is, I struggled at times with this collection. There was lots of play with structure that was intriguing, but most of it was opaque enough that I felt it contributed to my consideration of the collection being beyond my ability to interpret/understand.

All that being said, I do want to share what I did get out of this. Again, these impressions may have been at least partially informed by the blurb on the back but, with that guidance, I definitely *felt* the "multiplicity" that was referenced. There was multiplicity of narrative style, body, countries/cities, homes, people/names (who they are and how we imagine or speak to/of them internally - both others and the author's self - collide against each other frequently), and more. And honestly, that is perhaps the most tangible thing I can say/understand about this collection. There is so much to balance, and that leaves the reader feeling unhinged/unmoored in a way that, in my interpretation, matches the author's own, in these circumstances she is writing about.

Emotionally, there is so much sorrow here. There is sorrow for a lost child (lost children), lost homeland, lost homes, lost family members (both by distance/policy and by the permanence of death)...just so much loss. There is tragedy that is truly heavy on every page. As I finished the final poem, I asked myself, is there maybe some hope, here at the end? And I decided, a glimmer, maybe, like the sliver of moonlight from a crescent moon. But overally, really, this is a collection of the sadness of distance and loss. Even as I sometimes was detached while reading, due to missing comprehension on my part, I always felt that greater sorrow, that distance and loss, behind the words.

A few of my favorite individual poems, for a variety of reasons, were:

"Sleep Study No. 3"

"Strike [Air]"

"Love Poem"

"The Uterus Speaks" and "The Amygdala Speaks"

"Maternal" (the structure of this one, like the opposite of blackout poetry - whiteout poetry? - from medical record notes...oooooof, the feels)

"Spoiler" (what a final poem!)

“There is nothing more terrible / that waiting for the terrible. I promise. / Was the grief worth the poem? No, / but you don’t interrogate a weed / for what it does with wreckage. / For what it’s done to get here.”

“unreturnable / one passport short of country / one country short of citizen”

“I wake cold I bloom / empty”

“We’re both like this - full of risk and nowhere to put it.”

“Every choice is the renunciation of another one.”

“You’re not the only one who pretends to regret what they’ve wasted.”

“Give me a date and I’ll lose it. Give me a border and I’ll run it crooked.”

“the snow that thaws on sidewalks, that ache of gray, that wake of water.”

“I still like my brain. This feels as / impossible as anything, but it’s true – I / feel its lure bright as a camera bulb / sometimes, the magic and the grief like / two rivers necking where they meet.”

“The cost of wanting something is who you are / on the other side of getting it.”

“I’m here to tell you the tide will never stop coming in. / I’m here to tell you whatever you build will be ruined, so make it beautiful.”

Content Warnings

The Spanish Love Deception by Elena Armas

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emotional funny lighthearted medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

3.0

This romance got a lot of hype when it came out a couple years ago, so I added it to my "when you are wanting a romance" list. And, having lived for a few months in Spain, I am always excited to revisit the country in literature. Even though I was in southern Spain, and this (the parts set in Spain) is in the northern part of the country, there is some similar slang and food and vibes that are just different than Latin and South American Spanish-speaking settings and it's familiar and comfortable and fun to be back in sometimes. Anyways, it was time for a basic contemporary romance and this was the winner.

Catalina (Lina) Martín's white lie to her family about the American boyfriend she's bringing as a date to her sister's wedding in Spain has backed her into a bit of a corner. She needs to find someone to play that role, and time is running out. And desperation leads her to say yes to the offer to help from her coworker Aaron Blackford. Sure, he's handsome, but he was super condescending to her when they first met and, since then, they've kind of developed into office enemies. Beggars can't be choosers though. And so Lina finds herself on a flight across the Atlantic with Aaron...who turns out to be a fantastic fake boyfriend. Like, they're totally succeeding in fooling her nosy and close-knit family. And Lina realizes that perhaps it's time to work though/past some of her past relationship trauma, because her feelings towards this fake relationship are developing into something real. And it seems that Aaron is right there with her.

Well, this was a solid romance. I, of course, really enjoyed all the parts in Spain. And NYC is honestly always a fun setting, too. The opening vibes were *very* The Hating Game. I was actually questioning, for a second there, if this was a lowkey fanfic situation. The workplace enmity (and how it played out in dialogue/action), along with the "guy has clearly fallen but can't figure out how to say something about it so the girl has no idea," was so similar. Thankfully, the parallels chilled out after the story left the office environment. At which point, I was pleased with the way it developed. The hole Aaron had to dig out of, because he'd spent so long settling into it and not really doing anything to get out before this offer to be a fake "date," was pretty big. So, I honestly don't hate how long it took (effort and time wise), because you can't rush that and maintain a sense of authentic emotional development. That genuine growth/change was worth if from the perspective that it made the story more believable. However, the internet told me this was spicy. And...having to wait until three quarters of the way in to the novel to get a first kiss, hot as it was, just doesn't leave enough time for smut for me to consider this spicy. Personally. I mean, it was definitely steamy - the build up and tension and "closeness-but-not-quite" vibes - were spot on. And I am in full support of this romanticization of tenderness, the small touches and looks and acts, because that’s such real connection-type stuff, meaningful and beautiful in it's own, lovely, way. Truly. But the consummation of all that was late, and there were only a couple fully detailed, open-door, sexy scenes. And I just had been hoping for more based on reviews I'd read (which is an expectation issue. not a delivery-by-the-author issue, to be clear).

Random other things... The individual side characters were all pretty basic. I enjoyed the Martín family as a whole, as a vibe (I always love a rowdy family situation), but mostly everyone that wasn't Lina and Aaron blended into the background for me. There was entirely too much repeated inner monologue from Lina, about the past boyfriend trauma and the boss thing and the boundaries and heart barriers stuff. I mean, I get it; it's understandable and realistic that she'd be constantly dwelling on it, bur it was just a bit too tiresome, as a reader. Speaking of repetition, there were just a couple too many mentions of how sculpted/strong Aaron’s body is, tbh. We get it and it kind of started to feel a bit icky/objectifying. And finally, my biggest issue is the miscommunication trope (in this case, disguised as the "I'm too unsure/insecure to just talk about wanting to fix how we got off on the wrong foot an/or what's stopping me from taking this emotional jump") that is so highly featured in this novel. It's just not a favorite of mine and it was all over this story, so that was tough. But again, personal.

At the end of the day though, even with all the little things I wasn't a fan of, or wanted more/less of, or the tropes I didn't love (shoutout here to the "one bed" trope - which I do like - because how it happened was kind of hilarious), this novel grew on me. In part, it was just well written and the emotional pacing/development was so realistic. I always appreciate that type of believability. But also, if I'm being honest, mostly because of the softie romantic interest. I do love a “he falls harder” situation and this one delivers that all out.

“Because his words were, without a doubt in my mind, the most beautiful thing I would ever hear said about me. To me. And for me.”

“It was in that precise moment that I felt like something had finally clicked into place, unhinging everything I had been keeping on a short leash. I couldn’t know how or why. Didn’t even have the slightest idea. And wasn’t that part of the mystery of life? Part of what made it breathtakingly exciting? Unexpectedly beautiful? We couldn’t control and tame emotions to our convenience.”

Ignited. That was exactly how I felt. It was what Aaron had done to me. He had lit me up.”

“I’ll give you the world,” he said against my mouth. “The moon. The fucking stars. Anything you ask, it’s yours. I’m yours.”

“Your family loves you, and that’s a kind of bond you can’t force. It’s a kind of love one doesn’t find anywhere else. It can be overwhelming, but that’s only because it’s always honest.”

“Life changed constantly, wickedly fast and terribly slow, when one least expected it to or after a long time of chasing that change. Life could be turned around, inside out, backward and forward, or it could even transform into something else entirely. And it happened regardless of age, but most importantly, it didn’t care for time. Life-altering moments spanned from a few seconds to decades. It was part of the magic of life. Of living.”

Content Warnings

Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H

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hopeful informative reflective medium-paced

5.0

I was super excited to read this memoir. I bought it as soon as it was published, and then, of course, it sat on my shelf unread for a few months. As per usual. But to be honest, as with most nonfiction, I was waiting for my hold on the audiobook to come in at my library too. I just really prefer nonfiction that way: read to me, but with a physical copy on hand for reference. I'm glad I waited, because it was exactly the reading experience I wanted. A word here, I am kind of thrilled that the waiting list was months-long. The more people who read this, the better, IMO! Because...yes, I am so glad that I finally was able to read it. It was just as good as I was hoping!

The short blurb for this book is: "A queer hijabi Muslim immigrant survives her coming-of-age by drawing strength and hope from stories in the Qur'an in this daring, provocative, and radically hopeful memoir." And that is pretty accurate. The author, pseudonym Lamya H, gives the reader a glimpse into her life, coming of age and identity, in places and within communities that often don't get much, if any, nuanced portrayal of this kind of intersectionality: religious/traditional and queer. Lamya H was born in South Asia, raised through most of her primary education years in the Middle East, and then moved to the United States for university and grad school (and beyond). Through all of these "homes," she has always felt a bit out of place, unable to find a community in which her whole self belongs. As she matures, coming of age, she begins to understand a bit more about why she has always felt like an outsider: skin color, religion, country of origin, language, and, finally, sexual and gender identity, all playing a role. Even as a child, these inklings of difference were there, but age and reflection help her find explanation and descriptions for it all.

Lamya H structures this memoir not chronologically, but thematically, with each section interweaving a figure (and/or related surah) from the Qur'an with a moment (or series of moments) of self-realization, self-awareness, self-acceptance. And it is spectacular. I often wonder about this juxtaposition of faith and queerness. Coming from a Catholic background, but being solidly atheist now (for a number of reasons, not least of which is the general lack of acceptance for sexuality/gender/family structure that is such a cornerstone belief of many in that faith), I often wonder about this intersection of religion/belief and sexuality/gender. For those, like Lamya H, for whom both are primary and central to their identity, how is one compromised for the other, or how does one avoid having to do so? I am not personally looking to regain faith through finding a satisfactory explanation or answer, but I am fascinated by how others are able to do so.

I absolutely loved how, through this lens, Lamya H explores what queer is, what queer culture can look like, and how the answer is: whatever an individual queer person is/wants it to be, just like any other label. Similarly, she explores those same questions, and comes to many of the same conclusions, regarding her Muslim faith identity. And as for the intersection of the two...it takes effort, emotional and academic and relational, but by the end, she has managed to find a framework and a community that accepts all these important aspects of herself as they are. And that is wondrous and hopeful and all good things, surviving (at times even thriving) through and in the midst of myriad oppositional or alternate-belief forces. The euphoria of finding your people, your community, the ones "like you," the ones that make you feel safe and at home, is heart-filling to the extreme.

It was also extremely warming to see her journey towards accepting when those people, that community, care for you. The vulnerability in allowing yourself to open up and be loved by them is a whole other level of coming of age. Watching Lamya H both succeed and fail in this, and come to understand that that is what makes us human, is a strength of humanity - our genuine connections with others - is beautiful to witness.

In general, I appreciated, so much, being allowed to see into this work of carving out a place and life that has room for all facets of her identity, reclaiming her faith back to the roots and origins and alternative (equally plausible and valuable) interpretations of religious texts/tenets in which acceptance and grace are centered (as opposed to dogmatic exclusion favored widely-loudly now). And with her own journey on this front, it was a privilege to be allowed to see her open up about fighting for what she believes in, learning when to do so, and when to take a step back. Whether its religious or secular in nature, it's so important to learn, for your own well-being, how much of yourself you can give for this kind of "fight," and when you concede that a mind can't/won't be changed and your effort is only causing you pain without any chance for benefit/success. Learning to center one's own safety, when a belief in something is so deep, and the yearning for constructive conversations and winning battles for the good you are "preaching," threatens that safety, is an advocacy message that Lamya H describes and gains personal understanding of, profoundly here.

There were a few other introspections and decisions that were really highlights for me as well. First, a queer staple: coming out. Lamya H addresses the myriad fears and reactions associated with it, and the frequency with which she has to decide to (or not), in a way that is universal to queer reality. At the same time, she makes one choice that I rarely see: choosing to protect her peace and familial connections and love by not coming out to them. For her, that peace of the status quo is more important. And knowing that her “found” family respects her enough to support and go with that choice, and that this very viable option is highlighted as an absolutely real and respectable way to be queer, was all fantastic to see. I feel like there is often a “but I came out and we’re working on it” or "but I came out and they couldn't accept me and so we have no more relationship" finale to memoirs where queer people come from traditional cultural backgrounds. And that's real. But just as real is this choice, to not test that boundary. And I thank Lamya H for being brave enough to share that that was her best choice, and represent all the people who also choose (or wonder if they "can" choose) that.

In this memoir, Lamya H connects and parallels figures/surahs from the Qur'an with the moments they prompt: of religious philosophy/theory realizations that have accompanied personal (identity, sexuality, gender, race, hierarchical) understanding/awareness. And each is presented with such feeling and clarity and respect. This entire work is deep and emotional and thorough, but always consistently accessible.

“It’s no wonder that I feel like a jinn, seen and unseen. It's no wonder that I think they're better than me.” (this metaphor tho)

“But is it possible to be dispossessed, once the possession has already entered your body, wisped into your brain, sneaky as smoke, and settled somewhere in your bones? How do you undo a lifetime of experiencing racism, of whispers and warnings? Of these feelings that have been swirling inside you your whole life: fear, disgust, anxiety, revulsion - directed at yourself?”

“Slowly, it starts to sink in that it's racism that's the problem, not race; that it's white supremacy that's the problem, not me; it's white supremacy that needs to be fought and dismantled.”

“And gender is nowhere within these concepts that define the Divine. God is neither man nor woman nor masculine nor feminine, not not masculine, nor not feminine. This God, who teaches us that we can be both and neither and all and beyond and capable of multiplicities and expansiveness. Nonbinary, genderqueer. They, this God that is the God, my God, my Allah. Who created the world and created language and created the first person, Adam, this first person who was man and woman and neither and both and not a mistake, never a mistake. Like me.”

“…I realize if all around me is the evidence of what happens without my asking, doesn't that mean that there's possibility for more? A more trusting love where I could let myself ask for things, let myself be vulnerable and imperfect and even dispensable? A more magnanimous, forgiving kind of love where sometimes people give me what I ask for and sometimes they don't and it's okay? Where it's okay to be disappointed and it's okay to be disappointing - where we can love each other and ourselves regardless?”

Content Warnings

Ordinary Notes by Christina Sharpe

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challenging emotional informative reflective medium-paced

5.0

It was a review posted by @thestackspod that had me adding this to my TBR. I really hadn't, and haven't, seen it anywhere else. But I am grateful that that review is one that popped up on my feed because, having just finished this, I am so grateful for reading it. This was really something special.

In Ordinary Notes, Christina Sharpe gives readers a profoundly moving literary experience. As per Goodreads, Sharpe "explores profound questions about loss and the shapes of Black life that emerge in the wake. In a series of 248 notes that gather meaning as we read them, Christina Sharpe skillfully weaves artifacts from the past--public ones alongside others that are poignantly personal--with present realities and possible futures, intricately constructing an immersive portrait of everyday Black existence. The themes and tones that echo through these pages, sometimes about language, beauty, memory; sometimes about history, art, photography, and literature--always attend, with exquisite care, to the ordinary-extraordinary dimensions of Black life." What I know is that, by like 20 pages in, I was already blown away by it.

The writing is poetic and rhythmic and gorgeously painful as it cuts to the quick with its messages about the myriad violences of anti-Black racism and how so little has changed over the years (the fact that the “past” that is slavery/segregation/institutional and systemic racism has failed to stay in the past and is, in fact, very much the reality of the present). I was awe-struck by the insights and connections that Sharpe makes, as well as the brevity of language with which she accomplishes it. She brings together a chorus of voices historical and present to help paint this literary, analytic, critical, rhythmic, incredibly discerning picture. And the way she layers concepts and words and art/artist references in a way that mimics layering of music in composition (where we see the multiple layers of meaning in the title come through strongly as well), is stunning. This is all combined with emotional remembrances of her own - experiences from her youth, memories of and grief for her mother - that enhance and demonstrate, with personal touch, the messages the more generally observational and anthropological notes make. It's these snippets of memory that, with a few short words of commentary/insight/reflection, become more, symbolic or educational or indicative of a wider pattern or simply…more, that take what is a set of academic points (though not less important or necessary for being that) and make them something that takes the reader's breath away with the intensity of the delivery. Amazing.

Sharpe questions frameworks and breaks down concepts and exemplifies truths/explanations of so much of the reality of ani-Black racism in the US, historically and today and in all the ways those are actually the same, a looping and folding over and repetition of time. Where does our sympathy/empathy land? What does it do/achieve? A call to action to recognize the pervasive and incorrect narrative of the ‘history’ of the US that frames violence as “anomalous and intermittent and not foundational and ever-present.” A call to lean into cognitive dissonance in our families/communities, to interrogate our 'best intentions,' and do something, to build towards a future that is not just a slightly different version of the same.

At one point, Sharpe notes "There was a time when I would answer people's questions largely with quotations from plays, novels, poems, and nonfiction works. What I wanted to say had already been said and said better than I could have hoped to say it myself." and if I am being honest, this is exactly what I felt while reading this. I took so many notes while reading this (I'm not a tab-er, but this work almost made me want to) and part of me wants to write them all here, to tell you what stood out to me, what I learned, which aspects/points landed hardest. It's all so essential, indispensable, and part of me feels like trying to sum it up, or give highlights, here will make more people read this. That's what I want. And yet, I know my words cannot do justice to Sharpe's words. I know that this is a book you have to pick up and experience in full, for yourself, to appreciate it and absorb it to the depth it deserves. And so, I will refrain. And I will simply repeat: read it yourself.

This is poetry and philosophy and history and sociology and social justice and current event commentary and more It's an expansive and philosophical attempt to capture in words what the Black experience is: what it's grown from, shaped by, seen as, means to those who live it, is attempted to be communicated through words/visuals/artistic renderings and expressions, and more. One of the back blurbs says readers will be forever changed who “grapple with its disquiet and beauty” of Ordinary Noets. And hot damn if that isn’t true.

“...the lessons that an institution imagines is it imparting - or the ones that we imagine the institution imagining it is imparting - like racism is bad or look how far we've come - is not the only, or even, perhaps, the primary, lesson or note to take hold. The imagination of whiteness is also at work, undoing the lesson, restructuring, and constantly renewing antiblack racism.”

“There is the violence of the baying crowd and there is the violence of reasonableness, each part necessary…”

“Every memorial and museum to atrocity already contains its failure.”

“Not lost to time. Hidden. Their names are not lost to time, they are hidden in time, hidden in the work of the US, hidden in towns, in cities, in consciousness, and in lies. They are hidden and enjoyed, loved, adorned, and breathed in like air.”

“What if white visitors to a memorial to the victims of lynching were met with the enlarged photographs of faces of those white people who were participant in and witness to that terror then and now? What if they had to face themselves? Might they not be a different endeavor? Might that not hit a different note?”

“...the ghost of a past that is not yet past...” (our present)

“That grammar of 'mistakes were made' is one in which terrible acts are committed and yet no one is assigned responsibility for them.”

“Visuality is not simply looking. It is a regime of seeing and being, and any so-called neutral position is a position of power that refuses to recognize itself as such.”

“Time collapses in on itself; it is not linear; it is a boomerang”

“The torturer insists that he cannot remember. The tortured insists that he cannot forget.”

“This is how the docile cultural subject is made, through a violence material, metaphorical, continuing, and ordinary, perhaps couched as interest, care, or tenderness, and displaced onto others.”

“Spectacle is the right to capture, to capture what is deemed abjection, and the right to publish it. Spectacle is a relation of power. It has a long life and a big sound. The photographer doesn't just see the thing but also amplifies it, doubles and trebles it.”

“So much of Black life and work and resistance goes missing. Black people work to hold all of this information in our heads, oftentimes unbolstered by institutions, oftentimes against such institutions' purposeful forgetting. We have to function as a living library: as an institution.”

“I live through the steady onslaught of these occurrences.”

“Books - poetry, fiction, nonfiction, theory, memoir, biography, mysteries, plays - have always helped me locate myself, tethered me, helped em to make sense of the world and to act in it. I know that books have saved me. By which I mean that books always give me a place to land in difficult times.”

“The machinery of whiteness constantly deploys violence - and in a mirror-register, constantly manufactures wonder, surprise, and innocence in relation to that violence. That innocence-making machine rubs out violence at the very moment of its manufacture.”

“Border authoritarianism. The forced withdrawal and criminalization of any modicum of care.”

"There is no set of years in which to be born Black and woman would not be met with violence."

"The answer to these obscene questions? Return the bones. Return the photographs. Repatriate the statues. Empty the museums."

"I write these ordinary things to detail the everyday sonic and haptic vocabularies of living life under these brutal regimes."

Content Warnings

Bride by Ali Hazelwood

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adventurous funny lighthearted medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? No

4.0

I was recently between a few heavier nonfiction reads (Solito and Ordinary Notes) and needed something to escape into. I mean, those were both 5-star nonfiction books, so please note: I highly recommend them. Normally, though, I try to space out those more intense reads a bit more. However, the timeline for library holds coming in is its own special beast - even us professionals can't predict its workings. And thus, my need for something much lighter. I read Hazelwood's breakout romance, The Love Hypothesis, and I thought it was pretty good. But some critical reviews of follow-up books have left me on the fence about reading more from her. This one, though, has all my so-called "guilty pleasure" soft spots - vampires, enemies to lovers, spiciness - and a review from a library coworker that said it was fast/entertaining that overrode my question marks, and here we are.

Misery Lark, the daughter of a powerful Vampyre leader who is pretty much an outcast from her own people, agrees to marry Were Alpha, Lowe Moreland. Even though their people are enemies, and she'll essentially be alone in dangerous territory, with a high chance of death...Misery has her reasons. And to her, they're worth it. For his part, Lowe is trying to do something new for his people, attempting to build new alliances and create more stable living conditions than under the previous Alpha. Thus, the choice to have a symbolic political marriage with a Vampyre. So basically, neither of them expect the pull towards each other, the slowly melting ice (and deeply heated connection), to grow like it does. And very possibly, that connection may also lead to better Vampyre-Were relations for everyone.

This is pretty basic read, as far as plot and world-building go. Like, if you are looking for epic new worlds and majorly creative new takes on vampire and werewolf lore...this may not be the book for you. However, if you are looking for some smaller new angles on these "species" (a la My Roommate is a Vampire, though more science-y than funny), with an easy and entertaining story that won't really surprise you with its twists, but will keep you interested in turning pages, then give this a go. I tend to think the genetic mutation, with attendant separately developed values in response (and fear of "other" does the rest - apparently no species anywhere can escape that weakness), as an explanation for species differences, is an interesting one. It's similar to the feel of the Psy-Changling series, though of course, being about thirty less books, doesn't have quite the same depth. In fact, I would have loved just a little more on this, to give more context. There is a major plot point based on genetic possibilities, but the background info we get on it remains...very surface-level. One other note, there is a...sexual...genetic difference that is also explored. And it was weird. Like it might have been ok, but it was explained so vaguely that I never really "got" it. I mean, it seemed to really enhance some of the spicy scenes, but not quite in a way that extended into me, as the reader, feeling/following it, if you catch my meaning. So, yea, a weird sex organ thing, but like whatever. It wasn't really part of the novel that much/for that long. Plot-wise, there was enough drama and intrigue and action to keep me invested, which is about all I needed from it.

Now there were a couple things I did really enjoy and appreciate. Like, I can’t help but love Misery’s snarky sarcasm. It’s clearly a protective mechanism, but it’s so well done that I actually laughed out loud a couple of times, so I have to acknowledge that as well done. Really, in fact, it seems that Hazelwood has cracked the code on dialogue overall. It was so good throughout and that's a major hit-or-miss thing for me in liking a book. So, that’s freaking great. As for Misery herself, as a character, I also was grateful for her maturity. I mean, there was the snark, of course, but also, she put a lot of things together, and figured out a number of things, on her own. I hate when the MC needs to be handheld through all realizations...especially ones that are obvious to the reader. It made me respect both her character and Hazelwood's writing of it, more than I was expecting, out of a vampire-werewolf spin-off romance-fantasy situation. Similarly, I thought the relationship development between Misery and Lowe was actually like, pretty solid, for a romantasy (believability wise) and I can’t help but respect that too. Mate situations usually lead to needy-dumb character interactions, and attachments that form so fast and therefore seem pretty shallow. This felt much mroe like a very real growth of connection and feeling and respect between the two. Lowe’s holding back to center Misery emotionally, was honestly the most actually-accomplished-of-it variation that I’ve read in awhile, re: mate tropes. Likely that was helped by this being told only from Misery's POV and that not being a connection she could quite understand in the same way. It might have been more insufferable if we got more than little snippets starting each chapter from Lowe's voice, so thank goodness for that narrative choice.

A final few notes. I loved Ana. Similar to dialogue, child characters are realllllly hit-or-miss for me, and can totally ruin a whole book for me, even if they aren't central (and Ana was central), so I was thrilled that I liked her on-page persona. And the (reluctant, from one side) relationship she builds with Misery was fun to watch unfold. The rest of the side characters were fine, did what they needed to, if nothing special/standout. Alright look, I was promised spicy and didn't get any til the last like, quarter. And I mean, it was solid, but I thought there’d be more? Was hoping for more, really. So that was a small miss for me.

However, I have to say, I enjoyed this *much* more than I had anticipated. And since I see you, sequel setup, I’ll probs be back the next time I need something this quick, light, entertaining and a bit spicy. Escapism at its finest.

Content Warnings

The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan

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adventurous lighthearted fast-paced

2.0

Twisted Love by Ana Huang

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dark emotional tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

3.0

Look, I knew what I wanted when I picked this book up. This is epic, soap opera, levels of drama. And I was *living* for it. I was thoroughly entertained. There was page-turning revenge and years-long cons and lies and (though it took longer than I had expected to get there, based on reviews/lists featuring this book) some very spicy scenes. It was so, deeply, unhealthy, as relationships go. And yet, like I said, I knew that going in and sometimes reading about an over-protective/possessive ass that I wouldn't touch with a 39.5-foot pole (grinch-style, you know?) IRL, is exactly the kind of escapist shit I want to read. So, in summary, this novel was unbelievably *stupid* good for my current reading mood. I shall be reading the next in the series post-haste.

Very small side note: not my fav third act breakup (like, honestly, I never like those - UGH least fav romance trope - so take this commentary with that grain of salt), but I *particularly* didn't like this one. Too much/long “time passing” to get back together - it just feels like, he should have caved sooner…but at least the friends/fam are holding the grudge still.

Content Warnings

Solito by Javier Zamora

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challenging emotional sad tense medium-paced

5.0

I saw a very "friend of a friend" sort of IG acquaintance post about reading this, talking about how it should be required reading...so, naturally, I put it on hold at the library. And after reading it, I have to say, I pretty much agree.

In Solito, poet Javier Zamora shares the story of his crossing from El Salvador to the US on his own, at 9 years old. From his small hometown to Guatemala, then Mexico and finally, on the third attempt, to the US (Arizona) by way of the Sonoran Desert, Javier makes this trip without anyone he knows, just a small group of other El Salvadorans attempting the same harrowing journey, and the coyote(s) they've hired to lead them. The "trip" is supposed to last two weeks, but it is seven weeks later (for most of which his family has no idea where he is or if he still lives) that he is finally reunited with his parents. From dangerous boat trips, being held at gunpoint and detained, suffering endless treks through the desert without enough food/water, losing almost all his belongings running from "la migra," and spending most of the journey scared and dirty and feeling alone, Javier experiences a life-changing two months that are far beyond the reckoning of so many, yet still intimately familiar to too many. Without the selfless effort of two of the other travelers in his group, who take him under their care despite having no incentive/need to do so, the end of his story may have been very different - one that he likely would not have been here/able to tell us.

My goodness, Zamora's writing is stunning. The juxtaposition of the poetry of his words and the clarity with which he describes (in many cases) terrifying and grueling circumstances, is incredible. One of the reasons for that, and really a highlight of the entire reading experience for me, is the attention that Zamora gives to the details. Throughout the entire book, the descriptions are visceral; his use of all the senses, in conveying what he remembers, does a spectacular job in bringing the reader along on every bit of these weeks of Zamora's life. And really before that, as well. The opening chapter, that takes place in his hometown in El Salvador, as he and his family prepare for his "trip," where he shares memories of his daily life, school, classmates/friends, toys, his family (especially his abuela's food stand and the relationship he has with his tía Mali), is so sweet in the simplicity of it's recognizable childhood-ness, of "just like kids everywhere." And your heart begins to ache while reading it, in anticipation of him having to leave/lose that, knowing (as an adult) what he (as a child) cannot: that he'll never be back in this place, with these people, in the same way again. Even with his own anticipation and joy for a “trip” leading to a long awaited reunion, and even being aware that there is a "happy" ending (as it were), you also know that what's to come will change this bright-eyed and hopeful young kid forever. And when it all comes, it's just as traumatic and heartbreaking and harrowing as you're steeling yourself for it to be.

And that brings me to the one major socio-political commentary I want to make... Who is able to argue that a child deserves to have to experience what Zamora experiences for even a chance at living a safe (comparatively - which, yes is arguable, and is also not the one comment I'm making, so, go research that on your own if you need to) life with their parents? Like, seriously, who are you people? Because imagine having to make this choice...to subject your child to a journey/border crossings like this, alone, with a very real possibility of serious injury/death/trauma OR to possibly never see/live with them again? If there were legitimately any other option, an actual opportunity to do things another way, who wouldn't pick that other way? And if you were in that position, having to make this impossible choice, wouldn't you want your destination to be more understanding/friendlier/more welcoming that you/we are acting? Just like, look in the mirror, take a moment to reflect, read/learn something, and just be better.

The way Zamora communicates his experience, but manages to, even from the current distance of time and processing he's had as an adult, maintain the details and observations and understandings of a child's perspective of it all, is something really special. One would wish that it didn't have to be something special, that he (or any child), would never have to live through this type of thing. But I'm eternally grateful and indelibly impacted, by the bravery Zamora's shown first in surviving in the moment, and second in surviving the reliving and the telling and the sharing with the world. The Author's Note at the end offers thanks to humans (in general, yes, but more specifically the few featured here in Zamora's own story), who chose to help and sacrifice and even jeopardize their own chances/selves, knowing they may never see the results. The way people can truly change each other's lives for the better, if we would only work towards that, instead of putting effort into the opposite, is so clearly shown. And finally, I have to mention the emotional and tender dedication to all those who have/are making/didn’t survive the crossing.

Zamora gives a voice to such a hidden population here, one that is purposely silenced and vilified in a fear-mongering way that does nothing but hurt us all, reclaiming their dignity and humanity and the truth that they are equally deserving of opportunity that is so routinely stolen from them. "All" he does is tell his own story, with no messaging or arguing of anything added in, ever. Because his story is enough - the candor of it, the bald face of it, should make us all horrified. It should spur us all to fight for better systems. This entire novel, from writing to content, is stunning. And again, I concur, this is a novel of the "American Dream" that should absolutely be considered required reading.

Content Warnings

Triple Sec by TJ Alexander

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emotional hopeful lighthearted medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

3.0

I've been really exploring poly relationships in fiction lately. The idea really appeals to me, emotionally and relationally. And the variety of ways these relationships can look, the different styles of love, is fascinating. I mean, if we are being honest, who doesn't want deep connections and support with more people? And the chance to "share the load" (as it were - sorry for the LOTR reference, iykyk - I can't help it) as needed. Anyways, the point is, from my perspective: big yes to poly love. So, I was super excited to start seeing bookstagram posts about this book, a legit main-stream romance publication featuring a poly threesome. When I saw it being offered on NetGalley as an eArc I jumped on it so fast - and was hype to have been granted access.

Mel is a bartender at Terror & Virtue, a swanky New York City cocktail. And that's pretty much her life, as her recovery from divorce has been...not going well. But, that all changes when Bebe walks into the bar. They have an instant connection that Mel decides to take a gamble on, when Bebe offers to take her on a date, since she and her wife, Kade, have an open marriage. Things progress pretty quickly, emotionally and physically, and quite soon, Mel finds herself in over her head (or at least, that's what it feels like) with Bebe. And not just with Bebe. Despite thinking Kade hated her, it turns out, they just express themselves in a much more subdued way. And the attraction/connection between Mel and Kade morphs into something greater as well. So, of course, then all three must figure out how they fit together in a way that works for each/all. At the same time, Mel is facing some low-key terrible workplace admin changes and enters a cocktail competition that has the potential to completely change her future. Honestly there are a lot of things going on that could completely change Mel's life...and all for the better, if she can figure them out. Fingers crossed.

Alright y'all. It is with a *very* heavy heart that I say: I have extremely mixed feelings on this book. Now, to be fair, there is a chance I had really built it up in my head before starting, because I was so excited about it, and therefore my expectations were too high. Like, that's totally possible. And yet...here I am, heartbroken that I didn't just all out love it. Now, give me a chance to explain my feelings through this review to decide to give it a try (or not) yourself, because my reactions were so mixed, that if the things I did love (the plot, the pacing, the writing) appeal to you, then I would absolutely suggest giving it a go. Because maybe what I didn't love (the chemistry) was a me problem and wouldn't affect you in the slightest.

So, the things I loved. The setup was great. Mel as a bartender, the cocktail competition, her life plans, her relationship with her roomie/coworker/bestie Daniel, etc. I enjoyed some of the tropes too, like Mel and Kade getting snowed in together. I was super into all the art (and the inclusive look at what "counts" as art) and all the tattoos. The spicy scenes were few, but they were diverse (as far as preferences/light kinks), and well written. Towards the end, when Mel (finally) faces and gets closure with her ex-wife, I loved that it was satisfyingly "take that," but also mature. And, of course, I loved the poly relationship that was central: the complexity of figuring out what that means for each involved party and how there is no prescription for how to be poly; it's as varied and diverse as the people in the relationship. Beautiful and accepting and heart-filling. And just really, the general plot and pacing and storytelling were all smooth and compelling.

The things I wasn't as into. Or, to be most clear, the one thing that was also big enough that it affected everything: the chemistry. I honestly never bought into Mel and Bebe and Kade. And to be clear, because I want to be very clear about this, it's not because it's queer and poly. I honestly couldn't really buy into any of the paired off combinations either. I felt the Bebe/Mel spark right away, but it fizzled quickly for me and never came back. I feel like there was a lot of telling me the characters were attracted to each other and cared for each other. And if I'm being honest, quite a few times their actions absolutely followed that up. But the depth of believability in their connections - especially the deeper emotional ones, which are personally super important as far as investment in their outcomes - just never clicked for me. Maybe it's because it's told from Mel's perspective, and she's the one that's a little walled off, unsure if she's good enough/can handle the situation, spending all her time questioning, to such an extreme that, when she finally "gives in," as it were, it didn't feel right. Too fast of a switch? Maybe not enough reasoning why? And since she wasn't super impulsive prior, it just felt off. I mean, all her choices prove she's emotionally involved, and wants it all...so I don't know why I didn't feel it when she finally decided with her brain to follow what her heart was already doing. But the plain truth is, I didn't. As a small addition to this, I felt like the socioeconomic differences between Mel and Bebe/Kade were defensively/bitterly brought up in conversations a number of times, but never actually addressed, and in my heart of hearts, I feel like that's going to be a point of stress moving forwards. Oh, and I really felt uncomfortable with the way Mel talked to/thought about Kade's emotions/reactions. It felt a bit close-minded and I know it was likely from her own discomfort, but I was annoyed that Bebe never did much to help ease that for either side and that, while Mel was willing to publicly fight for Kade, she also never really did much to question her own assumptions about them. That felt, not great, to me.

So here we are. The greater framework and story and relationship vibes were exactly what I wanted and I enjoyed the hell out of them. And the title and cover are damn gorgeous. But I didn't vibe with the actual three individuals that were a part of this story and relationship. I wish I felt different. I look forward to reading more (including backlist) from Alexander though - the promise is there!

Content Warnings

Temple Folk by Aaliyah Bilal

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reflective medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

As part of my intermittent and slow-ish roll attempt to read from the Aspen Words Literary Prize longlist every year... I was actually on the waitlist at the library for Temple Folk when the shortlist announcement was made, and it was on it! So I was, of course, that much more excited to pick it up. And let me just say, this is exactly the reason I follow/love this award. First, I would likely never have picked this collection up otherwise (at least in part because I really only do limited short story collections). And second, this is the first time that I have ever read anything about the Nation of Islam - definitely fictionally, but honestly even in nonfiction (other than small amounts in high school history, which is hard to count, really, because I mean, whose perspective on that were we getting? ...not this one, I can assure you) - and I do love that exposure to new topics/populations. Reading is the best!

At risk of repeating myself unnecessarily from review to review, as with all short story collections, I'll give a little of my thoughts to each, and then finish with a little overall blurb of my reactions to the collection as a whole.

Blue - This was really a full character build in such a short space. I always wonder what draws people to religious sects/any cult-like group (I loved reading cultish Cultish for the breadth of discussion on that topic) and this gave a really great, but also approachably "normal," answer to that. I enjoyed the little bonus “twist” at the end for literary intrigue.

New Mexico - Interesting look at the competing/at odds expectations and demands of being Black in America, depending on the environment/who is influencing the expectations. Also, the contradictions of fighting to survive and fit in and pass vs also fighting for pride and success for one’s individuality and culture was a highlight theme here. “He was someone with an essentially good nature, who could be moved by fanciful notions of a glorious past to compel his sense of virtue.” and “... [She] was a passing woman; soldiering for a cursory kind of freedom, wrought in the lie of white superiority we thought they all opposed.”

The Spider - Ohhhh fascinating: this look at the splintering that happens when a movement loses a founder/leader. How each new generation can envision a future with renewed hope and passion, and get caught up in it to an extreme (or, be sold said vision by a charismatic voice), that previous generations have given up on or been disillusioned to or learned from. Yea. This was just a great study of humanity and the ebb and flow of movements through generations.

Candy for Hanif - What a commentary on the contradictory juxtaposition of what religious texts say about helping those who need it and the way followers of the faith follow through on that. Always love when that's pointed out. Also, a great look at the confines of a life and the ways people deal (or not) with that...and what finally pushes them to break from it. “She felt the weight of her soul’s exhaustion…” (pretty much sums up this story, it’s heavy);

Janaza - Getting caught up in a movement and the moorlessness/directionlessness that comes from losing that kind of leader/touchpoint (whether from death or when that someone renegs on the principles you followed them for) was the focus here. Also, honestly, I find end of life rituals across cultures are so interesting, and I wish we had gotten a little more of that here. A solid story, but overall not my favorite.

Woman in Niqab - A short interrogation of the mythology of covering - that it is for the protection of a woman (and no man would unwanted-touch a veiled woman without their consent). If only). Also, the moral assumptions and implications of being veiled or not, literally and figuratively, are discussed, in the context of asking: but what really does that choice have to do with what type of person you actually are? And should that (be allowed to) define how others see you? This was woven into a really lovely coming of age exploration, of boundary setting and identity testing and re-connection with a parent in an adult way. I really liked this one.

Who’s Down - A highlighting of how long Gaza has been in the news for the Exact. Same. Genocide. This is outside the direct context of this story, but as it is salient to the current international reality, let me clearly and openly say at this time: FREE PALESTINE ALREADY. Also, phew, what a look at how the dangers of indoctrination are universal; they know no bounds. More specifically, in a religious/faith context, do we only believe when it’s convenient/easy and stop when we’re sick of the effort? “No loving God, I reckoned, would allow a recounting of his miracles to render some human beings more worthy of home than others.”

Nikkah - Ahhhh the hypocrisy of faith leaders and what their intensity/extremism covers…what a horribly common tale. I mean, this line though: “the stark incoherence of their faith and their actions.” And, in this case, how a child will react and rebel and trial other systems after finding out and becoming fully disillusioned. For that same child, how growing up in that kind of extremity makes one more susceptible to it in other variations, even as one rails against the original experience. Plus, a really interesting look at how, once you leave one place/belief, does it then become easier to abandon the next? Damn. This was a subtle, but strong, hit. “But what we’re not going to do [...] is go to the extreme. When we are extreme with anything - extremely godly, extremely generous - it usually means that something else in life is suffering.” and “…but just because the leader is without morals doesn't mean that morality ceases to matter or that our cause is unworthy.”

Sister Rose - Oh this was short, but tough. The weight of shame that comes with most faith systems cannot be ignored, especially how deep it can cut and how long that can last and how wide it can affect (in this case, and in most cases, women especially). So then, of course, we see the uneven expectations on men vs women - across worlds and religions - and how that suppresses potential and how the attempt to escape it (it being those expectations and shame) can cause one to lose connection(s) and relationships that could have been vital, powerful. Tragic.

Due North - To bring it home, the classic conflict of religion and sexuality (or the false conflict or the internal/self shut down that comes from assumptions due to religious beliefs). You can't really do a collection on a religious group, at least not fully, without this theme. But the way our characters come to terms with that for themselves and loved ones here - it's really done well, so bittersweet. Inner lives are so complex. Oooooof this one broke my heart, and then sibling love patched it. What a final piece. Definitely my favorite of the collection. “And even if they failed and had to go back, they tried to make a difference in their lives - in our lives - by doing something new. That's how you get perspective; it's the venturing out that grows you…”

So, like I said, I have never really read anything about the Nation of Islam before, so I was very interested in these stories from that perspective, as learning and insight into something new-to-me. Bilal really breaks down the complexities of race “loyalty.” The verbosity and the follow-through, what is actually beneficial versus what is superficial and, importantly, who gets to judge. She tackles some of the supportive and wonderful things about strict and close-knit faith-based communities, as well as the negative and constrictive and even dangerous aspects, from internal perspectives. She does mention, clearly, the CIA involvement in suspicious deaths of Black rights leaders/supremacists that is historically purposefully buried by white-controlled history telling/teaching. And she does a beautiful job giving voice and nuance and insight and perspective into this highly judged but minimally known (at least at a larger societal level) population. There is tenderness and humanity in these pages, in all the small moments of life (the ones oft overlooked because they don't register as important enough to remember, even to those experiencing them directly), and the life-changing moments/decisions, and even in the not-so-good moments, which is something that we all want/deserve when our stories are told.

A lovely collection, whose strengths are in the quality of the writing, the subtleness of the power in the stories it tells, and, of course, the discerning gaze into a community that many know very little about.

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just_one_more_paige's reviews 1427 reviews

just_one_more_paige's reviews
1427 reviews