A review by orchidd
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends as an Adult by Marisa G. Franco

notes

autor asserts that society places platonic on the lowest rung of priorities in our relationships. however, friendship is crucial to living a good life. author then provides a guide to developing close friendships. 

chapter 1 
  • main thesis: friendship is important for our physical and psychological growth and wellbeing (supported by anecdotes and psychological studies) and are unique in “We are free to choose relationships based on pure compatibility.” however, friendship nowadays often play second fiddle to romantic and familial relationships, and friendship is seen as a less intimate relationship. it wasn’t always this way, though. in prior times, it was normal for friendship to be deeply intimate (example of Abe Lincoln and his friend Josh)

chapter 2
  • this chapter examines how attachment theory shows up in friendships. attachment style is shaped by genetics and parental relationships. "Attachment is what we project onto ambiguity in our relationships, and our relationships are rife with ambiguity." we should aim for a secure attachment, or a healthy relationship to intimacy.

chapter 3 - Taking Initiative
  • Take initiative; you can't just assume that people will approach you, and adult friendships don't happen organically. Making friends as an adult is also challenging because life post-Industrial revolution is isolating (transience, not living in small communities, prioritization of work). Be the friend you want
  • The belief that romantic relationships are all we need leads people to neglect community; however, having close friends "betters our romantic relationships" (stronger support system helps people function better in romantic relationships)
  • How to take initiative: 1. Assume people like you ("Secure people know their worth, so they assume others do too"); when being hard on yourself for a social interaction, "ask yourself if it is your thoughts that have given you that sense or if it is the other person's behavior. What behaviors has the person demonstrated that have indicated that they disapprove of you?" Remember the "liking gap" - people typically underestimate how much they're liked. 2. Say hi to people/introduce yourself (avoid avoidance, such as not going to things, or showing up and then checking out mentally). 3. Trust your instincts when you meet someone; follow up with the people who feel like kindred spirits. People's ratings of each other's friendship potential usually are correct. 4. Keep showing up - you're likely to build relationships with people with whom you are consistently physically closer (called "propinquity") due to lower effort to meet up, exposure effect, and because people like more those they know they might see again.
  • Steps: find and attend a group that meets regularly, assume the people there like you, overcome covert avoidance by opening up conversation with others in the group, invite your favorite person(s) in the group to hang out one-on-one

Chapter 4 - Expressing Vulnerability
  • Vulnerability = "sharing true parts of ourselves that we fear may result in our rejection or alienation, the parts we feel most shame over" - what is vulnerable differs for each person
  • Try not to "package" your vulnerability to make it more palatable; then people don't know that it's vulnerable and don't know to show up for you. Express vulnerability through not only words but demeanor/body language.
  • Avoiding your feelings/repressing them results in greater preoccupation with them below the surface ("rebound effect"). Suppression deteriorates mental health and physical health.
  • How to be vulnerable: remember people appreciate vulnerability more than we think (after vulnerability, people viewed them more positively, with the exception of when sharing to someone avoidant), plus vulnerability deepens connection. Be vulnerable but don't overshare; sharing should reflect the safety you feel in the friendship rather than lack thereof that you are compensating for. Practice self compassion (being kind and understanding towards self; being mindful of own thoughts and feelings). Be vulnerable with the right people (not people who have hurt you in the past). Be vulnerable first; don't wait for friends.

Chapter 5 - Pursuing Authenticity
  • What is Authenticity? - Being your true self is not the same thing as being blunt or defaulting to your knee-jerk reactions or putting people down (rawness versus authenticity). Authenticity is "the state of presence we access when we aren't hijacked by our defense mechanisms" or acting on autopilot. 
  • How to be Authentic - self protecting behaviors can harm the relationship bc you're not thinking about the other person, so unlocking authenticity requires becoming more securely attached. Embrace mutuality, the ability to consider others' needs alongside our own. For insecurely attached people, restrain from doing what feels most natural (defense mechanism) and practice mindfulness/self-awareness to develop tolerance for uncomfortable emotions (tolerance means less likely to use defense mechanism). To stave off social anxiety, focus on the other person rather than self. Avoid projection (assuming our feelings mean something about the person who provoked them rather than reflecting our own psyche). Don't take rejection personally (negative events don't mean something bad about you); when we're authentic, rejection isn't as piercing; embrace that things will be okay in the end even if you are rejected. 
  • Friendships across differences: Vet (choose people who will not be bigoted), vulnerability (bring  full self to friendship and share your experiences of marginalization), voice (express concerns related to your group as they arise in friendship). This works best when the more privileged person empathizes more to adjust for inequitable status quo.

Chapter 6 - Harmonizing with Anger
  • Don't aggress or suppress. Express
  • Anger can strengthen friendships: anger of hope (indicates that we need to heal an issue between us) versus anger of despair (we have lost hope of healing the relationship, is impulsive, and destructive). Express anger of hope - discuss issues.
  • We often avoid discussing issues in friendship because we see friendship as lighthearted and instead express anger indirectly, through distancing. To avoid trivializing friendship, when issues arise iwth friends, think about what a friend brings to our life that no one else does.
  • How to Communicate Anger: approach conflict as collaborative and a way to get both parties' needs met. Anger signals a need, voice the need. 1. take some time to calm down. Ask yourself what you hope to achieve in this conflict, what your role in the problem is, what your friend's role in the problem is. 2. Prime friend for the conversation, focus on "I feel" and not labeling the other person. 3. Ask for their perspective. Soothe your triggers (gain distance from self and observe yourself and instincts). Desscalate conflict if it's getting combative - ask questions, take a break, admit when they have a point. 4. Ask for behavior you want to see in the future
  • How to receive friend's anger: view feedback as an enlightenment opportunity and be responsive (rephrase, validate, show care). 
  • Sign that a conflict is over is that you've reached a mutual understanding and resolution, and each party no longer harbors resentment - may take a few go arounds.

Chapter 7 - Offering Generosity
  • Generosity is good in creating and maintaining friendships. We should be more generous in friendships; in the 1980s, self esteem movement led to popular idea that we are not responsible to others (prioritize self over others). "New age generosity conflates generosity not with selflessness but with being taken advantage of." bad!
  • However, toxic generosity occurs when you self-sacrifice. Some people fawn as a coping mechanism - are you giving because you love or because you want to earn love/fear not being liked? (egoistic giving)
  • Healthy generosity: when your own interests become aligned with the interests of others--if a friend asks a lot of you, find ways you can benefit from the situation as well (prevent burnout).
  • Practice mutality/communal relationships with your closest friends where there is reciprocity. Maintain mutuality/equal giving. Use boundaries to strengthen bonds; don't do things you don't want to do because it will create resentment. Boundaries are stronger with people you dn't know
  • Communal relationships are our closest relationships, not everyone. We consider the needs of the other person (and balance them with ours, theirs might be more important at a given moment), show up for them, and are our closest relationships. We find communal relationships when we offer them (not individualistic boundaries). Boundaries in these relationships are out of protecting the relationship, not self protection (you might be giving more at one time than the other person, and vice versa, because mutuality exists.). 
  • For mutuality to work, you have to be clear when you have an important need because then they don't know to prioritize you --> resentment on your part. 

Chapter 8 - Giving Affection
  • We tend to hide affection from friends because we may not feel comfy expressing it, we may fear it will be misconstrued as romantic (homohysteria), and because friendship is more versatile than romantic relationships we may fear that our friends aren't as invested as us. However, norms around friendship are socially constructed - traditionally, romance ("heady passion and idealization) has been a part of friendship even more than it was a part of marriage.
  • Affection benefits friendship: it brings people closer no matter how close they were already (people like those who like them). Affection can make people feel safe to invest in you. Expressing affection also benefits our mental health and physical health.
  • Expressing affection is less awkward than you think and makes us feel safe/makes the other person feel more secure too (positive feedback loop). It also makes conflict easier (show affection while bringing up a concern). 
  • How to show affection: show excitement at people's good news, basically show signs that you like them.  Three elements of affection: you feel love, appreciation, or fondness; you act to express those feelings; the other person interprets and welcomes your behavior as expressing those feelings. So the other person needs to interpret the actions positively; not everybody likes affeciton in the same way. If friend is uncomfortable, adapt how you deliver affection.
  • Avoidant ppl may see affection and suspect ulterior motives or out of obligation. Or they may see love as threatening (low self esteem, receive compliment, feels like the other person doesn't know you. Easier to reject compliment than it is to reject their sense of self). Assume intentions are pure and think about the feeling behind what they're saying rather than your own reaction to it.