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A review by cupcakeable
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids by Meghan Daum
4.0
Until about a year ago, I always thought I would eventually have kids. As I made my way through my twenties watching my friends have babies, I would feel the occasional twinge of a biological urge and assumed one day that would be me with the swollen belly and piles of tiny jumpers to organize. I’m not entirely sure what changed, but lately I’ve been pretty convinced that motherhood is not for me. My boyfriend/roommate has always said he doesn’t want children and I believed him, but always kind of secretly thought he would change his mind. Now looking at our relationship and why this was never a deal breaker for me, I can see the truth is my love for him has always outweighed my desire for a baby. If a baby had really been that important to me, I would’ve done everything in my power to pursue that goal. I love my freedom, love the thought that we can leave for a vacation on a whim, or as the essay by Tim Kreider said, “There’s really nothing stopping me, on any given Tuesday morning, from taking up heroin.” An extreme example to be sure, but the man has a point–there is no end to the free will of the childless.
Reflecting on my life as the oldest sibling of four, I can remember how nervously I would watch my sisters and brother when we were out in public, how much I would worry about them, especially when we went swimming in the murky lake–I’d hold my breath every time as I waited for the bubbles that mean a head was about to pop through the surface. I constantly feared something would happen to them. And though some might say that this is an obvious mothering instinct, the truth is that it was not fun in the slightest. I don’t like being anxious, and the thought of being in that state for years does not appeal to me. Not to say that you should actively avoid what you’re afraid of, but to me the risks are greater than the rewards.
As you can see, I have my reasons for resisting motherhood and found myself curious about how other people’s reasons compared. One of my favorite bloggers mentioned this book and I immediately knew I had to read it, partially in order to discover if this could be the lifestyle for me. Contained within are 16 brilliant, touching, and funny essays by (mostly) older writers–13 women and 3 men–who ultimately decided not to have a child. Some of them always lacked the instinct, some let their lives decide for them, others wavered over time. One woman went so far as to pay for sperm from a donor, get pregnant, and miscarry before realizing it wasn’t what she actually wanted.
Although most of the essays held my interest, my two favorites were “A Thousand Other Things” by Kate Christensen and “The Trouble with Having It All” by Pam Houston. The first spoke of how, if she had gotten what she wanted when she wanted it (a baby) she would not be living the wonderful life she has now. She also emphasizes how it’s pretty much impossible to miss something you’ve never had. She writes, “I picture my life without children as a hole dug in sand and then filled with water. Into every void rushes something. Nature abhors a vacuum.” I found this to be a beautiful image and true–for those who don’t have children, we will fill our lives with other joys. Along these lines, the latter essay delves into the idea of “having it all” and tries to debunk the myth that there even is such a thing. Because the truth is by having a child, you have no choice but to give up something that you would have otherwise enjoyed. Time does not bend to our wills.
Another common theme within is the social stigma against people who are “child-free by choice.” Such people are considered selfish or immature, when the truth is that the decision NOT to have kids is often something people put more thought into than the decision TO have kids. Obviously, the choice to have a child can be just as selfish as the choice not to. Let’s count the ways:
1. “Aren’t you afraid you’ll be alone when you’re old?”
This thought has never bothered me much as there is no guarantee I will even get old. There’s also no way to know if your kids will have a significant amount of free time to spend with you as adults. I’ve always enjoyed alone time and independence and if I do end up in a nursing home I’m sure by that time there will be plenty of robots dressed as candy stripers to keep me company.
2. “Don’t you want to see your genes passed on?”
This is our biological imperative, and yet, are my genetic traits really that important? I’m fairly positive I’d make a beautiful and creative, unique weirdo. It would also be trippy to see what my boyfriend and I would look like combined. But there are lots of websites for that if I’m really curious. And honestly, I was just too lazy to upload a photo of myself so how am I supposed to overcome this ridiculous laziness to raise a child? Thankfully I have three siblings who plan on having kids so in a sense my genes will live on. And I plan on being a delightfully demented auntie.
3. “You should do it because it’s what normals do.”
I’ve never wanted to be regular and I don’t plan on starting now.
4. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
It’s possible… but everyone in life has regrets. And I promise that plenty of people have regretted having children, leaving them with grandparents or in foster care or doing the unspeakably-worse.
The great thing about this book is it is not trying to change anyone’s mind. I expect more childless people will read it than parents, but hopefully some of the latter will because it can be illuminating to read about an alternate lifestyle. In the cases of many of these writers, they feel it has helped their careers to have the free time to sit at a desk for 12 hours and pump out novels. The art is the baby. Obviously there are plenty of working writers who have kids, but it takes a special kind of person to be able to do both.
I’m very happy I stumbled across this collection. I truly believe if you’re questioning like me, it will provide invaluable insight.
https://yeshallbejudged.wordpress.com/2015/04/16/book-review-selfish-shallow-and-self-absorbed-sixteen-writers-on-the-decision-not-to-have-kids/
Reflecting on my life as the oldest sibling of four, I can remember how nervously I would watch my sisters and brother when we were out in public, how much I would worry about them, especially when we went swimming in the murky lake–I’d hold my breath every time as I waited for the bubbles that mean a head was about to pop through the surface. I constantly feared something would happen to them. And though some might say that this is an obvious mothering instinct, the truth is that it was not fun in the slightest. I don’t like being anxious, and the thought of being in that state for years does not appeal to me. Not to say that you should actively avoid what you’re afraid of, but to me the risks are greater than the rewards.
As you can see, I have my reasons for resisting motherhood and found myself curious about how other people’s reasons compared. One of my favorite bloggers mentioned this book and I immediately knew I had to read it, partially in order to discover if this could be the lifestyle for me. Contained within are 16 brilliant, touching, and funny essays by (mostly) older writers–13 women and 3 men–who ultimately decided not to have a child. Some of them always lacked the instinct, some let their lives decide for them, others wavered over time. One woman went so far as to pay for sperm from a donor, get pregnant, and miscarry before realizing it wasn’t what she actually wanted.
Although most of the essays held my interest, my two favorites were “A Thousand Other Things” by Kate Christensen and “The Trouble with Having It All” by Pam Houston. The first spoke of how, if she had gotten what she wanted when she wanted it (a baby) she would not be living the wonderful life she has now. She also emphasizes how it’s pretty much impossible to miss something you’ve never had. She writes, “I picture my life without children as a hole dug in sand and then filled with water. Into every void rushes something. Nature abhors a vacuum.” I found this to be a beautiful image and true–for those who don’t have children, we will fill our lives with other joys. Along these lines, the latter essay delves into the idea of “having it all” and tries to debunk the myth that there even is such a thing. Because the truth is by having a child, you have no choice but to give up something that you would have otherwise enjoyed. Time does not bend to our wills.
Another common theme within is the social stigma against people who are “child-free by choice.” Such people are considered selfish or immature, when the truth is that the decision NOT to have kids is often something people put more thought into than the decision TO have kids. Obviously, the choice to have a child can be just as selfish as the choice not to. Let’s count the ways:
1. “Aren’t you afraid you’ll be alone when you’re old?”
This thought has never bothered me much as there is no guarantee I will even get old. There’s also no way to know if your kids will have a significant amount of free time to spend with you as adults. I’ve always enjoyed alone time and independence and if I do end up in a nursing home I’m sure by that time there will be plenty of robots dressed as candy stripers to keep me company.
2. “Don’t you want to see your genes passed on?”
This is our biological imperative, and yet, are my genetic traits really that important? I’m fairly positive I’d make a beautiful and creative, unique weirdo. It would also be trippy to see what my boyfriend and I would look like combined. But there are lots of websites for that if I’m really curious. And honestly, I was just too lazy to upload a photo of myself so how am I supposed to overcome this ridiculous laziness to raise a child? Thankfully I have three siblings who plan on having kids so in a sense my genes will live on. And I plan on being a delightfully demented auntie.
3. “You should do it because it’s what normals do.”
I’ve never wanted to be regular and I don’t plan on starting now.
4. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
It’s possible… but everyone in life has regrets. And I promise that plenty of people have regretted having children, leaving them with grandparents or in foster care or doing the unspeakably-worse.
The great thing about this book is it is not trying to change anyone’s mind. I expect more childless people will read it than parents, but hopefully some of the latter will because it can be illuminating to read about an alternate lifestyle. In the cases of many of these writers, they feel it has helped their careers to have the free time to sit at a desk for 12 hours and pump out novels. The art is the baby. Obviously there are plenty of working writers who have kids, but it takes a special kind of person to be able to do both.
I’m very happy I stumbled across this collection. I truly believe if you’re questioning like me, it will provide invaluable insight.
https://yeshallbejudged.wordpress.com/2015/04/16/book-review-selfish-shallow-and-self-absorbed-sixteen-writers-on-the-decision-not-to-have-kids/