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For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
williamsangm's review
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
4.5
tophat8855's review
4.0
Listened via Hoopla
I've always said I have 2 goals as a parent: 1) don't raise the next Hitler, and 2) be a parent such that my adult children will still want to have a relationship with me. They are low bars, but also high bars, considering how I see the relationships around me.
This book addresses #1: don't raise a Hitler. Miller, a psychotherapist, looks at the childhoods of Hitler and other egregious German criminals (she is German herself) as well as 19th century German child-rearing books and pedagogies and connects how parents treat children and the criminal outcomes and perpetuation of cruelty on to their children and the cycles of violence. Content warning: there are graphic descriptions of abuse throughout the book.
She starts with the German Protestant-minded books on child raising and as an audiobook, the going back and forth between the German books and Miller's thoughts. There were a few times where I thought, "Oh I hope she's quoting from one of those old books here and isn't promoting that way of dealing with kids," because it was right on the line of even what is acceptable today. Speaking of, this book is 40 years old, but is still so relevant. At the end she quotes a statistic that says 2/3 of German parents still feel that corporal punishment is ok and I imagine the stats are similar, even in 2021, of American parents, though I think Millennials and Gen X are less likely to spank than previous generations. Corporal punishment is still allowed in some schools in the US.
No only does she touch on how physical and psychological abuse can cause people who harm others without care (not only "Hitlers" but adults who think it's ok to continue to harm their own children because "I was spanked and turned out ok"), but also about how demanding unquestioning obedience from children meant that Germany was primed in the early 20th century to follow fascist leaders. I see that still now, with the rise of fascism in multiple nations in the world. There are unconscious ideas that if someone received a harsh punishment, they must have deserved it and brought it on themselves, instead of questioning whether the punishment fits the crime (or if it was even a crime in the first place- looking at you "War on Drugs"). Parents who expect their kids to be obedient in everything raise adults who "follow orders" and don't question or strike or whatever when injustices occur.
Anyway, give your children space to have emotions. Listen to their needs, not what you think their needs ought to be. Don't raise Hitlers. Also if you are an adult who is dealing with the consequences of your own emotions and needs not being recognized when you were a kid, or having been spanked and yelled at, it's ok to question what your parents did to you and recognize that they were probably perpetuating the harm that happened to them. See also https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103999.Toxic_Parents
I've always said I have 2 goals as a parent: 1) don't raise the next Hitler, and 2) be a parent such that my adult children will still want to have a relationship with me. They are low bars, but also high bars, considering how I see the relationships around me.
This book addresses #1: don't raise a Hitler. Miller, a psychotherapist, looks at the childhoods of Hitler and other egregious German criminals (she is German herself) as well as 19th century German child-rearing books and pedagogies and connects how parents treat children and the criminal outcomes and perpetuation of cruelty on to their children and the cycles of violence. Content warning: there are graphic descriptions of abuse throughout the book.
She starts with the German Protestant-minded books on child raising and as an audiobook, the going back and forth between the German books and Miller's thoughts. There were a few times where I thought, "Oh I hope she's quoting from one of those old books here and isn't promoting that way of dealing with kids," because it was right on the line of even what is acceptable today. Speaking of, this book is 40 years old, but is still so relevant. At the end she quotes a statistic that says 2/3 of German parents still feel that corporal punishment is ok and I imagine the stats are similar, even in 2021, of American parents, though I think Millennials and Gen X are less likely to spank than previous generations. Corporal punishment is still allowed in some schools in the US.
No only does she touch on how physical and psychological abuse can cause people who harm others without care (not only "Hitlers" but adults who think it's ok to continue to harm their own children because "I was spanked and turned out ok"), but also about how demanding unquestioning obedience from children meant that Germany was primed in the early 20th century to follow fascist leaders. I see that still now, with the rise of fascism in multiple nations in the world. There are unconscious ideas that if someone received a harsh punishment, they must have deserved it and brought it on themselves, instead of questioning whether the punishment fits the crime (or if it was even a crime in the first place- looking at you "War on Drugs"). Parents who expect their kids to be obedient in everything raise adults who "follow orders" and don't question or strike or whatever when injustices occur.
Anyway, give your children space to have emotions. Listen to their needs, not what you think their needs ought to be. Don't raise Hitlers. Also if you are an adult who is dealing with the consequences of your own emotions and needs not being recognized when you were a kid, or having been spanked and yelled at, it's ok to question what your parents did to you and recognize that they were probably perpetuating the harm that happened to them. See also https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103999.Toxic_Parents
shermansays's review against another edition
challenging
dark
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse and Violence
Moderate: Addiction, Drug abuse, Sexual assault, and Suicidal thoughts
Minor: Rape, Racism, Ableism, Pregnancy, and War
full_of_flowers's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
medium-paced
4.5
Although it gets a bit tangential in places, I found this very insightful. There is still so much lacking in the way we respect the rights of children, and this book breaks it down well.
alpha_build's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
informative
reflective
sad
medium-paced
5.0
katrinadreamer's review
4.0
I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in.
I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandanavian or European roots.
I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandanavian or European roots.
adancewithsquirrels's review against another edition
5.0
Zwar ein schon etwas älteres Buch,aber unheimlich interessant, mit vielen wichtigen Denkanstößen