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theelizabethjoy's review
hopeful
informative
slow-paced
4.0
Definitely going to buy this book at her other book Polysecure to have in my home library.
rosesbookgarden's review
challenging
emotional
hopeful
medium-paced
4.5
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is an often-cited resource within the polyamorous community. I have had it on my TBR for a long time but was curious if it was worth all the hype it had been getting. I was happy to find that it did indeed meet its reputation.
Fern is a therapist, and I believe of relationships and groups specifically. She easily untangles complex sociological concepts like attachment styles into something easy for most people to digest. The main thing to remember about attachment styles is that you have one influenced by how your caregivers interact with you. Basically, you either got the attention and care you needed or your caregivers were too present or too absent.
This however doesn't mean you are stuck with a potentially negative attachment style. It simply means you have to work to acquire a more secure attachment style in your adult friendships and relationships.
This is where the book being focused on polyamory comes in. A lot of the issues that come up with polyamory can be traced back to insecure attachments of some variety. You aren't secure with the way or partner feels about you so that can easily be exacerbated whenever you open up your relationship or have more partners.
Fern goes on to explain how the way monogamy is viewed by Western and American culture drives its own issues into potential dynamics.
This book does a great job of explaining attachment how trauma functions within these attachment styles and how it can get triggered in relationships both old and new. I like Fern's follow-up book better. It pays attention to certain therapeutic techniques that are more familiar to me so perhaps I'm biased.
I however will put my final thoughts up as I finish Polywise.
jackofalltheys's review
informative
slow-paced
3.0
It felt easier to connect with polysecure than this
ssinsheimer's review
informative
reflective
slow-paced
3.5
This is a great book for people who are opening up previously monogamous relationships, but not that helpful for those who have been ENM for a long time
frabjousday's review against another edition
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.25
Polywise is definitely aimed more specifically at polyamorous people, and I think the people who would get the most out of it are people transitioning from monogamy. That said, I found the descriptions of the transitions and experiences really helpful (these could be some of my partners or future partners!). The final chapters on the development stages of a relationship and of an adult were extremely mind-blowing frameworks for me, and I'll be chewing on the information for a while.