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rhythmvick's review against another edition
challenging
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
A must read for any queer women in F-M relationships seeking solidarity and understanding, queer folks who have experienced the lived impact of comphe standards, and for straight women in F-M relationships to really reckon with how gender shows up in their relationships. And for all the millennial women currently casting their exes as narcissists - babe, it's gender, not a personality disorder, that's at play here.
geophony's review against another edition
5.0
Super interesting, funny, illuminating. and really well written. Will add more detail.
roxymaybe's review against another edition
3.0
Both too dry and too shallow. I thought there would be a lot more humour in this book based on the title, but it was all so - tragically - earnest. There was an interesting (brief!!!) history of the invention of heterosexuality and its connection to the eugenics movement, and a small nod to Black American and international (specifically Iranian) straight culture, and then a blood-pressure-raising look at pickup/seduction artists. But then there was a chapter padded with repetitive quotes from a group of 53 Queer people's negative views on straight culture (NB. if this reads like 'straight-bashing' to you, it says more about your life than theirs). Most of this has been said better elsewhere. The least the author could have done was make a joke or two.
eliya's review against another edition
challenging
funny
informative
reflective
fast-paced
4.5
A scathing review on heterosexuality and the straight man.
Brought up some problems that I hadn’t thought deeply about, really interesting read.
Chuckled a little bit about how in some studies for her published book she goes “this isn’t very scientific… but it counts”. Pop off, it counts for me but i’m already on ur side 😭
Can’t wait to talk to everyone and their mother about this book.
Brought up some problems that I hadn’t thought deeply about, really interesting read.
Chuckled a little bit about how in some studies for her published book she goes “this isn’t very scientific… but it counts”. Pop off, it counts for me but i’m already on ur side 😭
Can’t wait to talk to everyone and their mother about this book.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Misogyny
Minor: Sexual violence, Sexual content, Sexism, Toxic relationship, and Sexual harassment
rachellarson2019's review against another edition
4.0
I’m not sure how to review this book. It is written from a lesbian point of view and clearly I have not consumed much lesbian feminist literature because the whole world view of the author is wildly different than my own.
This book is predicated on the idea that all men are violent and hate women. Whether they are born that way or socialized that way the author doesn’t make totally clear.
I am happy to say that my experience with men has been very different. Most men I know are kind and loving toward women, interested in friendship and (from my limited experience) want mutual pleasure when it comes to sex. I do fear violence from strangers but not from the men I know and are involved in my life.
Sadly, I think the world-wide experience for women is to experience violence from the men they are in relationship with, so the author is not wrong. My lived experience is just different.
I think what I was hoping to read in this book was a societal look at gender expectations and socialization that have kept otherwise decent men from seeing women as true equals, the unfair inequity that is often present in loving and unloving marriages, and how addressing that would eliminate many of the relationship frustrations that heterosexual people experience.
The reality is, many women are in relationships with men who do hate women. This is crazy to me! I do agree with the author that it’s crazy that women settle for a sad life with men who demean them. Anyways, that’s what this books focus is.
The last part of the book focuses on what the author thinks heterosexual relationships could learn from queer ones, that they are based on Strong bonds of identification and deep mutual regard. I would say I have experienced and seen that in other relationships, much more than the open disdain and hatred the author writes about as being the status quo of heterosexual relationships. Again, I think I am the outlier in that experience just based on the data.
I do want to note that the author points out that Abusive or frustrating behaviors are not limited to heterosexual relationships but by default of the system we live in, they are allowed, explained away, accepted more than in a queer relationship.
Best part of the book by far was the section where queer respondents shared their thoughts on why straight culture sucks so much.
Too many funny and spot on observations to quote.
One last thought that stuck with me: “Heterosexual straight love is often positioned as a sacrifice for women.”
This is true. Think about the marriage advice you have been given, relationship books you have read, the guilt you have when you do assert what you want…. They all come back to you, the woman, needing to sacrifice for the health of the relationship.
This book is predicated on the idea that all men are violent and hate women. Whether they are born that way or socialized that way the author doesn’t make totally clear.
I am happy to say that my experience with men has been very different. Most men I know are kind and loving toward women, interested in friendship and (from my limited experience) want mutual pleasure when it comes to sex. I do fear violence from strangers but not from the men I know and are involved in my life.
Sadly, I think the world-wide experience for women is to experience violence from the men they are in relationship with, so the author is not wrong. My lived experience is just different.
I think what I was hoping to read in this book was a societal look at gender expectations and socialization that have kept otherwise decent men from seeing women as true equals, the unfair inequity that is often present in loving and unloving marriages, and how addressing that would eliminate many of the relationship frustrations that heterosexual people experience.
The reality is, many women are in relationships with men who do hate women. This is crazy to me! I do agree with the author that it’s crazy that women settle for a sad life with men who demean them. Anyways, that’s what this books focus is.
The last part of the book focuses on what the author thinks heterosexual relationships could learn from queer ones, that they are based on Strong bonds of identification and deep mutual regard. I would say I have experienced and seen that in other relationships, much more than the open disdain and hatred the author writes about as being the status quo of heterosexual relationships. Again, I think I am the outlier in that experience just based on the data.
I do want to note that the author points out that Abusive or frustrating behaviors are not limited to heterosexual relationships but by default of the system we live in, they are allowed, explained away, accepted more than in a queer relationship.
Best part of the book by far was the section where queer respondents shared their thoughts on why straight culture sucks so much.
Too many funny and spot on observations to quote.
One last thought that stuck with me: “Heterosexual straight love is often positioned as a sacrifice for women.”
This is true. Think about the marriage advice you have been given, relationship books you have read, the guilt you have when you do assert what you want…. They all come back to you, the woman, needing to sacrifice for the health of the relationship.
lisyreads's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
sad
fast-paced
4.0
kaylin1612's review against another edition
4.0
I did end up really enjoying this. I thought she made a lot of great points. I think this book is more something that straight people should read though. I felt like as a queer woman, I would have been fine with the sparknotes.