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3.9 AVERAGE
3.9 AVERAGE
J.R. Moehringer's very honest memoir is fascinating to read. He speaks from the heart and the love he feels for the people in his life is evident. He does not sugarcoat the events in his life. I can't help but want to cheer him on and wish him the best.
He writes in a way that is unspeakably raw, so sad it hurts, but beautiful all the same.
Enjoyable coming-of-age memoir of JR Moehringer while growing up in Manhasset, NJ.
reflective
fast-paced
As always, this is not a book report. Rather, it is an opportunity to discuss ideas that stuck with me while reading “The Tender Bar” by J.R. Moehringer.
Fatherless
Technically speaking, I didn’t grow up fatherless. I mean, it was just my mom, a doctor, nurses, and me in the room when I was born. My father was nowhere to be found. So, I was born fatherless, and it would take another nine years for me to meet my biological father. I didn’t grow up fatherless, though. A wonderful stepfather would retire “step” at an early age for me, and he would become the man upon which I depended.
The Tender Bar rang so true for me, because I shared so many similar struggles with the author. The heaviest of those challenges was knowing there was someone out there who went through the physical act of my creation, knew of my birth, and did little to invest in my upbringing. I also know my father has his own story. One day, I hope to hear that story. Perhaps in that story, I can find understanding and forgiveness.
Men
At an early age, I solved the puzzle and drew a conclusion concerning the man I called, “dad.” I knew he wasn’t my father. Subconsciously, despite his love and acceptance, I think this sent me on a grand quest to collect as many male mentors as possible. Principals, youth pastors, and neighborhood kids who were older than me, I have always surrounded myself with older adults in hopes they could provide guidance.
My mom and the man I called dad were fantastic teachers, but the lessons of my father always had to be filtered through my friends and mentors to check their validity. I did so, because these men had fathers or were fathers themselves. I needed to be sure that whatever I learned matched lessons they had been taught or lessons they were teaching.
I relate so deeply to J.R.’s story in this regard. Moms are amazing, and moms who carry the weight of both parents are the closest thing to God I will ever know, but mentors have unknowingly shouldered many of my burdens because I needed them to serve as a placeholder for someone who was never there.
Pushed to Be More
I never doubted I could be anything I wanted to be. I was told so throughout my life. Another constant drumbeat was that I would need to go to college to achieve my highest aspirations. At no point in my life did anything other than higher education seem like the truest path for me.
My parents, particularly my mom, always pushed me to be more. I didn’t mind the pressure. Its source was wrapped around an understanding of the doors that could open for me, and not some selfish desire to have a successful child who might solve the family’s greatest challenges.
In this book, J.R. sees higher education as an opportunity to deliver his mother from the economic hardships that plague their lives. For most of the book, he doesn’t pause to consider what he wants out of life. It isn’t until he retires notions of being a lawyer and begins to think about becoming a writer that we see him think deeply about the joy and fulfillment he wants out of life.
Many people must work on behalf of their family. Many people have others depending on their success. For those of us without these pressures, we must think deeply about the privilege that affords us.
Away from Home
Throughout this book, J.R. bounces back and forth between his family home to apartments his mother rents back to his family home. Eventually, his mother moves to Arizona for a fresh start. J.R. follows, but it isn’t long before he finds himself missing his old neighborhood.
The concept of home is curious. The wrong home can give you something to rebel against. It can serve as motivation and something to escape. The right home often serves as a foundation from which all dreams and desires can be pursued. If you don’t find the right home for yourself, you might find yourself in a constant state of fight or flight.
Written in my own story, I recognize moments where it was time to flee, moments where I could no longer fight, and moments where everything seemed right in the world. No home has never felt like home for long, but each has provided gifts and lessons that I will treasure for the rest of my life.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
Fatherless
Technically speaking, I didn’t grow up fatherless. I mean, it was just my mom, a doctor, nurses, and me in the room when I was born. My father was nowhere to be found. So, I was born fatherless, and it would take another nine years for me to meet my biological father. I didn’t grow up fatherless, though. A wonderful stepfather would retire “step” at an early age for me, and he would become the man upon which I depended.
The Tender Bar rang so true for me, because I shared so many similar struggles with the author. The heaviest of those challenges was knowing there was someone out there who went through the physical act of my creation, knew of my birth, and did little to invest in my upbringing. I also know my father has his own story. One day, I hope to hear that story. Perhaps in that story, I can find understanding and forgiveness.
Men
At an early age, I solved the puzzle and drew a conclusion concerning the man I called, “dad.” I knew he wasn’t my father. Subconsciously, despite his love and acceptance, I think this sent me on a grand quest to collect as many male mentors as possible. Principals, youth pastors, and neighborhood kids who were older than me, I have always surrounded myself with older adults in hopes they could provide guidance.
My mom and the man I called dad were fantastic teachers, but the lessons of my father always had to be filtered through my friends and mentors to check their validity. I did so, because these men had fathers or were fathers themselves. I needed to be sure that whatever I learned matched lessons they had been taught or lessons they were teaching.
I relate so deeply to J.R.’s story in this regard. Moms are amazing, and moms who carry the weight of both parents are the closest thing to God I will ever know, but mentors have unknowingly shouldered many of my burdens because I needed them to serve as a placeholder for someone who was never there.
Pushed to Be More
I never doubted I could be anything I wanted to be. I was told so throughout my life. Another constant drumbeat was that I would need to go to college to achieve my highest aspirations. At no point in my life did anything other than higher education seem like the truest path for me.
My parents, particularly my mom, always pushed me to be more. I didn’t mind the pressure. Its source was wrapped around an understanding of the doors that could open for me, and not some selfish desire to have a successful child who might solve the family’s greatest challenges.
In this book, J.R. sees higher education as an opportunity to deliver his mother from the economic hardships that plague their lives. For most of the book, he doesn’t pause to consider what he wants out of life. It isn’t until he retires notions of being a lawyer and begins to think about becoming a writer that we see him think deeply about the joy and fulfillment he wants out of life.
Many people must work on behalf of their family. Many people have others depending on their success. For those of us without these pressures, we must think deeply about the privilege that affords us.
Away from Home
Throughout this book, J.R. bounces back and forth between his family home to apartments his mother rents back to his family home. Eventually, his mother moves to Arizona for a fresh start. J.R. follows, but it isn’t long before he finds himself missing his old neighborhood.
The concept of home is curious. The wrong home can give you something to rebel against. It can serve as motivation and something to escape. The right home often serves as a foundation from which all dreams and desires can be pursued. If you don’t find the right home for yourself, you might find yourself in a constant state of fight or flight.
Written in my own story, I recognize moments where it was time to flee, moments where I could no longer fight, and moments where everything seemed right in the world. No home has never felt like home for long, but each has provided gifts and lessons that I will treasure for the rest of my life.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
The biggest problem with The Tender Bar is that the most interesting thing about it isn't the author, it's the people he knows.
Essentially, Moehringer is an average american male with the all-too typical father figure problems. With no father figure around, he basically grows up in a bar, where several men act as role-models (like Erica Jong said, it takes several men to make one good one!). The most interesting, touching, humorous parts of the book are those that focus around the men of the bar and introduce us to their lives. If the book had centered around only them, it would've been fantastic. Instead, Moehringer takes the self-centered approach and tries to explain why he grew up in the bar and the effect it had on his life - when he got older he had trouble with women and became an alcoholic. Surprise, surprise! I originally picked this up because of the journalistic aspect, but what he writes about being a journalist and working at the Times isn't especially interesting.
Definitely a worthwhile read, though, particularly if you're interested in the bar community, or the antics of middle-aged men.
Essentially, Moehringer is an average american male with the all-too typical father figure problems. With no father figure around, he basically grows up in a bar, where several men act as role-models (like Erica Jong said, it takes several men to make one good one!). The most interesting, touching, humorous parts of the book are those that focus around the men of the bar and introduce us to their lives. If the book had centered around only them, it would've been fantastic. Instead, Moehringer takes the self-centered approach and tries to explain why he grew up in the bar and the effect it had on his life - when he got older he had trouble with women and became an alcoholic. Surprise, surprise! I originally picked this up because of the journalistic aspect, but what he writes about being a journalist and working at the Times isn't especially interesting.
Definitely a worthwhile read, though, particularly if you're interested in the bar community, or the antics of middle-aged men.
July 2016 book club selection.
A 400+ page book about a boy and a bar. I read the whole thing because I love J.R. Moehringer's voice. Some of the stories are funny, most are poignant, it got pretty depressing at the end but by then I was committed. I didn't laugh, I didn't cry but there was something there that made me finish it.
A 400+ page book about a boy and a bar. I read the whole thing because I love J.R. Moehringer's voice. Some of the stories are funny, most are poignant, it got pretty depressing at the end but by then I was committed. I didn't laugh, I didn't cry but there was something there that made me finish it.
Dragged in selfishness, self pity. The movie version was so much better.
For some reason, I've tried to read this at least twice before and failed, but this time i succeeded and enjoyed the book. It's very neatly written -- in some ways for me, too neatly, with things tied up and emotional moments sometimes sped by, perhaps more telling than showing. But I loved how it captured a time, place and culture, with a relatively clear-eyed look at family problems, drinking and alcoholism, loneliness and disappointed dreams.
I only made it halfway through this book. It fell victim to summer reading meaning it was not interesting enough to read on vacation. I was slow to get into after that and then when it finally got a little more interesting it was time to return to the librAry and start my next book club book.