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dannafs's review against another edition
4.0
With or Without You is, in some ways, a typical memoir about the insanity of growing up with an unbalanced, drug-addicted, alcoholic single mother. Kathi, Domenica Ruta's mother, is a crackpot, prone to manic shopping sprees, outbursts, and exaggerated displays of affection. Kathi is, in other words, a typical protagonist. Domenica, on the other hand, as narrator of her life's story, is a refreshing surprise--she appears to harbor no anger toward Kathi. Domenica describes her mother in a fond and nostalgic tone, and can even make light of her own insane circumstances.
Domenica's story begins in Danvers, MA, where she grew up with Kathi and a routinely rotating cast of men, family, and lowlife friends. Domenica is frequently pulled from school to stay home and watch The Godfather with Kathi. Despite her chronic absences and tardeeism, Domenica excels in her education. Like some other children of alcoholics, the more out of control home feels, the more control Domenica tries to exert on her surroundings. By sophomore year of high school, she makes it to an exclusive New England boarding school. Separation from Kathi is both painful and welcome. The vicious cycle of push-pull-love-escape begins.
At some point, Domenica follows her mother's footsteps into alcohol and drugs. She is always able to keep it together at the surface level, but she is crumbling on the inside. In spite of it all, Domenica is overwhelmed with love and care for her mother. Her relationship with her father, Zeke, also plays a main role. Domenica's family is as tightly knit as it is dysfunctional.
This is a tragic, but short read. Domenica's wit kept me smiling, no matter how painful the story became. The unconditional love between mother and daughter is palpable, and kept me hooked. It also made me grateful and appreciative for a sane mother and quiet upbringing.
Favorite quotes:
"On the off chance that you haven't heard of it, here is a little analogy:
OXYCONTIN : HEROIN :: MARGARINE : BUTTER" (105).
Kathi on prayer: "Dear God, please don't let my daughter fall for a man with limited education or seasonal employment" (121).
Domenica: "I liked to say that I would quit drinking when I got pregnant or when my mother died, whichever came second" (170).
"Men, especially misogynists, always fall a little bit in love with any woman who carries their did on a tray... 'A step below prostitution,' my mother always said of waitressing. 'I'd rather you sell your body than touch people's chewed-up food. At least hookers get to lay down sometimes'" (178).
"Isn't there a grown-up who should step in right about now? Someone who is capable of dealing with all this?
"Yes, it's me" (194).
Domenica's story begins in Danvers, MA, where she grew up with Kathi and a routinely rotating cast of men, family, and lowlife friends. Domenica is frequently pulled from school to stay home and watch The Godfather with Kathi. Despite her chronic absences and tardeeism, Domenica excels in her education. Like some other children of alcoholics, the more out of control home feels, the more control Domenica tries to exert on her surroundings. By sophomore year of high school, she makes it to an exclusive New England boarding school. Separation from Kathi is both painful and welcome. The vicious cycle of push-pull-love-escape begins.
At some point, Domenica follows her mother's footsteps into alcohol and drugs. She is always able to keep it together at the surface level, but she is crumbling on the inside. In spite of it all, Domenica is overwhelmed with love and care for her mother. Her relationship with her father, Zeke, also plays a main role. Domenica's family is as tightly knit as it is dysfunctional.
This is a tragic, but short read. Domenica's wit kept me smiling, no matter how painful the story became. The unconditional love between mother and daughter is palpable, and kept me hooked. It also made me grateful and appreciative for a sane mother and quiet upbringing.
Favorite quotes:
"On the off chance that you haven't heard of it, here is a little analogy:
OXYCONTIN : HEROIN :: MARGARINE : BUTTER" (105).
Kathi on prayer: "Dear God, please don't let my daughter fall for a man with limited education or seasonal employment" (121).
Domenica: "I liked to say that I would quit drinking when I got pregnant or when my mother died, whichever came second" (170).
"Men, especially misogynists, always fall a little bit in love with any woman who carries their did on a tray... 'A step below prostitution,' my mother always said of waitressing. 'I'd rather you sell your body than touch people's chewed-up food. At least hookers get to lay down sometimes'" (178).
"Isn't there a grown-up who should step in right about now? Someone who is capable of dealing with all this?
"Yes, it's me" (194).
ashberk18's review against another edition
3.0
This is tough to review. I found the relentlessly bleak chapters riveting and numbing at the same time. I imagine a bit like it was to live. The writing must have been good because I felt like I could see and taste the town of her youth myself. But I was wincing so much of the time, the writing wasn't on my mind. The book may have lost a star just because the content was so terrifying (especially to a parent of pre-teen kids). To the author, I'd say, keeping writing! I will look for her work in the future and root for her sobriety, peace and continued success.
addison_reads's review against another edition
4.0
This was my first giveaway win through goodreads, and I must admit, I was instantly enthralled.
The haunting of the past, mixed with the bitter truths of the present are told through the beautifully, heartfelt words of Domenica Ruta as she reveals her childhood in this astonishing memoir. Each new page brought forth a pool of emotions as Ruta vividly recounts her life growing up with an addict, dealing with her own addictions, learning how to love and to let go, and just searching for her place in the world and for happiness.
This memoir will make you laugh, it will break your heart at times, but Ruta writes in such a way that you truly feel as if you are seeing the world through her eyes. There are parts of this story that almost every person will be able to relate to. "With or Without You" will stay with you long after you read the last page, and that to me is what makes this memoir a must-read.
The haunting of the past, mixed with the bitter truths of the present are told through the beautifully, heartfelt words of Domenica Ruta as she reveals her childhood in this astonishing memoir. Each new page brought forth a pool of emotions as Ruta vividly recounts her life growing up with an addict, dealing with her own addictions, learning how to love and to let go, and just searching for her place in the world and for happiness.
This memoir will make you laugh, it will break your heart at times, but Ruta writes in such a way that you truly feel as if you are seeing the world through her eyes. There are parts of this story that almost every person will be able to relate to. "With or Without You" will stay with you long after you read the last page, and that to me is what makes this memoir a must-read.
pattireadsalot's review
5.0
I loved this book! Domenica (Nikki) has had an exceptionally difficult life with a demented mother who pulls her down at every chance she gets. The fact that this author is even alive is astonishing considering all the factors that worked against her. The stories are really amazing. I hope she writes more novels!
oldrunningmom's review
4.0
This frank, no-holding back autobiography is shocking and sad. The author details her life growing up with a needy, manipulative, substance abusing mother. In spite of it all, she loves her mother. This book is a page turner and extremely well written. I say it every day and I'll say it here: you need a license to fish, but not to have kids. It's amazing how the author survived her childhood to tell this tale.
timshel's review
There are books people need to get out. Personal works written to someone they love or hate that perhaps should stay personal. Often this is my reaction when I read a memoir. Nice story, but why? Especially when the writer has obvious talent I can't help but question him or her. Why not fictionalize this? Why put something out that is so personal?
It's what makes rating a book like this too difficult. It's the reason I struggled with my ratings for [b:Life Inside: A Memoir|278194|Life Inside A Memoir|Mindy Lewis|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1354847505s/278194.jpg|269816] and [b:The Last Lecture|2318271|The Last Lecture|Randy Pausch|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1365984624s/2318271.jpg|3364076]. Perhaps I shouldn't put a value to personal memoirs. Ruta's story is interesting, written fairly well, but to put a value to her story of heartache and redemption—I can't do it. But then is putting a “value” to a book ever a good idea? (I'm beginning to wonder.)
Ruta proves to be an intelligent and promising writer. Her style was good, but I would've personally preferred a more linear narrative. Her story is somehow both tragic and not. I don't know, what can I say about this memoir? In my opinion, the best part of the book was the epilogue, where Ruta answers some of my questions about purpose and ties up the loose strands in a poetic, meaningful way.
Yeah, that about sums it up. I should just stay away from memoirs.
It's what makes rating a book like this too difficult. It's the reason I struggled with my ratings for [b:Life Inside: A Memoir|278194|Life Inside A Memoir|Mindy Lewis|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1354847505s/278194.jpg|269816] and [b:The Last Lecture|2318271|The Last Lecture|Randy Pausch|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1365984624s/2318271.jpg|3364076]. Perhaps I shouldn't put a value to personal memoirs. Ruta's story is interesting, written fairly well, but to put a value to her story of heartache and redemption—I can't do it. But then is putting a “value” to a book ever a good idea? (I'm beginning to wonder.)
Ruta proves to be an intelligent and promising writer. Her style was good, but I would've personally preferred a more linear narrative. Her story is somehow both tragic and not. I don't know, what can I say about this memoir? In my opinion, the best part of the book was the epilogue, where Ruta answers some of my questions about purpose and ties up the loose strands in a poetic, meaningful way.
Yeah, that about sums it up. I should just stay away from memoirs.
bookchickjlm's review
4.0
With or Without You arrived this week, the next book in my Indiespensables subscription (complete with my extra gifts! Just like Christmas all over again!). Most of what I’ve been reading lately has been pretty light – this memoir definitely is not. This has been a hard review for me to sit down and write, although thoughts of the book fill my head, getting them out in some organized fashion has not been simple.
Nikki (the author’s nickname) grows up in a trash-filled rundown house with her wild, unpredictable, and drug-addled mother, Kathi, in Danvers, Massachusetts, north of Boston. The memoir travels through Nikki’s childhood and early adulthood, jumping around chronologically, and focuses largely on her relationship with her mother and her own struggles with addiction.
While the story is dark and oftentimes disturbing – Kathi provides Nikki with Oxycotin for her headaches at a young age, leaves her with a known pedophile, encourages her to get pregnant in high school, and gives her high-quality pot for Christmas – it is not as depressing as it sounds. Ruta’s telling of her story layers caustic humor with love and the beginnings of forgiveness. There are times when Kathi does try to be a good mother, although her methods may be unconventional – selling coke to pay for Nikki’s schooling, working three jobs to buy her outlandish Christmas gifts, doing whatever is necessary to ensure Nikki can go to dance lessons, French lessons, and the symphony.
In spite of the horrors Kathi subjects her daughter to, there are moments of affection and love and spunkiness and don’t-mess-with-us attitude that make you smile, laugh, and actually hope for Kathi’s redemption, and for her own sake, not just for Nikki’s. As Nikki struggles with recovering from her own addiction she ultimately needs to cut her mother out of her life in a quest for sobriety and sanity.
Ultimately, this memoir is about a complicated mother-daughter relationship, filled with codependency, anger, hate, and love. Ruta indicates that this book is largely a letter to her mother and the dedication heartbreakingly reads simply “To Her”. The ending is real, not fiction, so there is no tidy resolution, just an ongoing struggle and the possibility of hope.
See more on my blog at www.watchingthewords.com!
Nikki (the author’s nickname) grows up in a trash-filled rundown house with her wild, unpredictable, and drug-addled mother, Kathi, in Danvers, Massachusetts, north of Boston. The memoir travels through Nikki’s childhood and early adulthood, jumping around chronologically, and focuses largely on her relationship with her mother and her own struggles with addiction.
While the story is dark and oftentimes disturbing – Kathi provides Nikki with Oxycotin for her headaches at a young age, leaves her with a known pedophile, encourages her to get pregnant in high school, and gives her high-quality pot for Christmas – it is not as depressing as it sounds. Ruta’s telling of her story layers caustic humor with love and the beginnings of forgiveness. There are times when Kathi does try to be a good mother, although her methods may be unconventional – selling coke to pay for Nikki’s schooling, working three jobs to buy her outlandish Christmas gifts, doing whatever is necessary to ensure Nikki can go to dance lessons, French lessons, and the symphony.
In spite of the horrors Kathi subjects her daughter to, there are moments of affection and love and spunkiness and don’t-mess-with-us attitude that make you smile, laugh, and actually hope for Kathi’s redemption, and for her own sake, not just for Nikki’s. As Nikki struggles with recovering from her own addiction she ultimately needs to cut her mother out of her life in a quest for sobriety and sanity.
Ultimately, this memoir is about a complicated mother-daughter relationship, filled with codependency, anger, hate, and love. Ruta indicates that this book is largely a letter to her mother and the dedication heartbreakingly reads simply “To Her”. The ending is real, not fiction, so there is no tidy resolution, just an ongoing struggle and the possibility of hope.
See more on my blog at www.watchingthewords.com!
jooniperd's review
3.0
so, i think there's a fine line to the art of a good memoir. especially from a writer who is not very well-known. on one side: a writer who has had experiences that suck and emerges triumphant (or some reasonable facsimile thereof). on the other side: a story driven by ego. rather than just having to get a story out of them, an ego-driven memoir is almost glad in it's 'look how awful this was for me'. 'i win at worst life ever.' and that's tough to read. there's actually a moment in the book when, while working on her MFA and out drinking with classmates, they compete over worst life ever. ruta notes: who wants to win that game? no one. but she kinda does. it wasn't until the very last page that my decision on how i felt about this story settled over me. i didn't like it. but that's more a stylistic issue and totally not a reflection on the sucktastic life ruta had. what redeemed the story - her admission of egotism. i was glad it was there.
it's a tough and sad story, to be sure, but i couldn't get into a good rhythm with the read. it's jumpy. the flow is off-putting but i am aware this could be the point given the subject matter. but i recently read [b:Drunk Mom: A Memoir|15799161|Drunk Mom A Memoir|Jowita Bydlowska|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1363265086s/15799161.jpg|21522126] - it's a far superior memoir. i was completely absorbed and engaged in [a:Jowita Bydlowska|6459301|Jowita Bydlowska|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1361814732p2/6459301.jpg]'s story. [b:With or Without You|15782709|With or Without You|Domenica Ruta|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1345749357s/15782709.jpg|21499356] just didn't pull me in in the same way and while the book ended up being 'fine', it wasn't impactful in any meaningful way. i have huge empathy for [a:Domenica Ruta|6454503|Domenica Ruta|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1361814302p2/6454503.jpg] and thank darwin she is so damn smart (taught herself russian cryllic in grade four? hello!!). her smarts gave her school opportunities that got her out of her wretched home environments. but at the end, i was left wondering what was the point of the book? there's so many books flooding the 'misery lit' nonfiction market. each tale worse than the one before it. but to me, there still needs to be a purpose beyond 'i survived'. (which is a totally huge deal - please don't get me wrong. i realize that.) it's just that another tale of 'i survived' makes it no more distinct than any other book in this genre.
it's a tough and sad story, to be sure, but i couldn't get into a good rhythm with the read. it's jumpy. the flow is off-putting but i am aware this could be the point given the subject matter. but i recently read [b:Drunk Mom: A Memoir|15799161|Drunk Mom A Memoir|Jowita Bydlowska|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1363265086s/15799161.jpg|21522126] - it's a far superior memoir. i was completely absorbed and engaged in [a:Jowita Bydlowska|6459301|Jowita Bydlowska|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1361814732p2/6459301.jpg]'s story. [b:With or Without You|15782709|With or Without You|Domenica Ruta|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1345749357s/15782709.jpg|21499356] just didn't pull me in in the same way and while the book ended up being 'fine', it wasn't impactful in any meaningful way. i have huge empathy for [a:Domenica Ruta|6454503|Domenica Ruta|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1361814302p2/6454503.jpg] and thank darwin she is so damn smart (taught herself russian cryllic in grade four? hello!!). her smarts gave her school opportunities that got her out of her wretched home environments. but at the end, i was left wondering what was the point of the book? there's so many books flooding the 'misery lit' nonfiction market. each tale worse than the one before it. but to me, there still needs to be a purpose beyond 'i survived'. (which is a totally huge deal - please don't get me wrong. i realize that.) it's just that another tale of 'i survived' makes it no more distinct than any other book in this genre.
readrunsea's review
4.0
This was a solid memoir. It’s mainly about the author’s relationship with her mother, who is an extreme character, and secondarily with other members of her family. At times I felt the pacing wasn’t working for me, and wanted a little more emotion, but that’s personal preference. The book becomes a narrative of addiction- both the author’s and her mother’s- as it progresses, which made me think about how good Leslie Jamison’s The Recovering is, which isn’t fair to this book but I couldn’t help it. There was a pretty decent dose of humor here too, which worked well, and the story was definitely compelling. I’d recommend it, but I’m more excited to read her fiction because I heard THE LAST DAY is amazing.