Scan barcode
trilbyfnorton's review against another edition
5.0
One of my favorite books I feel like everyone should read
composed's review against another edition
4.0
Lots of overlap with Undefended Love and similar books. I appreciate the reminders for things I already practice, and there were some solid quotes in here as well. Some gendered stuff since it’s older, but nothing too horrifying. Strikes a nice balance between talking about forgiveness and letting go while not letting abusers off the hook (see last long quotation below).
“What forms of love have I been giving to others as a way of showing them what I want most?”
“We sometimes confuse love with finding a port in the storm of our own neediness.”
"How hard something hits is is directly proportional to how much control we’re trying to exert over it.”
"We associate need fulfillment with love, whether or not they actually happened together. In an adult relationship, when one of our needs is fulfilled, we may imagine that that's all it takes for love to be present too. We needed our parents, and couldn't always tell the difference between needing and loving. We may still mistake need for love. If love was shown to us in a household that was full of chaos and uproar, we were most likely programmed into associating love with traumatic excess. This misprpgramming makes only drama-drenched love seem authentic to us. Intellectually, we know this isn't true, but knowing it does not liberate our body from its emotional mistake. The identification of love and stress has been lodged deep in our psyches and selves."
"Did someone who abuses us really love us? We so need connection that when we know someone loves us, we may become willing to put up with some hurts. However, abuse is never legitimate. Love can't be real when it includes abuse, which breaks the caring connection, or shows it was never there to begin with. To most of us, connection matters more than happiness, which might cause us to tolerate abuse, even though it's never deserved or appropriate, no matter what the provocation. Occasional, mild abuse in childhood is complex and doesn't have to represent a lack of love. Severe, unremitting abuse can never be an expression of love. To believe that a parent loved us 'deep down' all the time he was abusing us doesn't make sense. It lets a perpetrator off the hook and keeps us in the victim role. We may hold onto the opinion that dad did love us anyway, because that belief dulls the impact of his cruelty toward or humiliation of us. Our endurance of his abuse can also be dangerous in that it can legitimate the violence that we were required to tolerate. The love in a parent is real only if it comes with accountability towards the child. Love is not abstract. Believing this requires freeing ourselves from Plato's view that there's a realm of reality made up of pure and abstract forms and sentiments. That view doesn't apply to love. Love doesn't exist in some vague, disembodied, never-never-land. When we're grounded in adult reality, love as an abstract noun is insufficient and in fact impossible. Love is real when it is consistently respectful, and repeatedly shown in actions that demonstrate caring connection. Violation is hurt, no matter what the presumed underlying sentiment, and no matter how much it was meant 'for our own good.' A cruel father doesn't love us as long as he's cruel. If we add, "he was sick," we really mean he was too sick to love us. When we honor that distinction, we gain the wisdom to see that love is real only when it looks like love, acts like love, and feels like love all over."
“What forms of love have I been giving to others as a way of showing them what I want most?”
“We sometimes confuse love with finding a port in the storm of our own neediness.”
"How hard something hits is is directly proportional to how much control we’re trying to exert over it.”
"We associate need fulfillment with love, whether or not they actually happened together. In an adult relationship, when one of our needs is fulfilled, we may imagine that that's all it takes for love to be present too. We needed our parents, and couldn't always tell the difference between needing and loving. We may still mistake need for love. If love was shown to us in a household that was full of chaos and uproar, we were most likely programmed into associating love with traumatic excess. This misprpgramming makes only drama-drenched love seem authentic to us. Intellectually, we know this isn't true, but knowing it does not liberate our body from its emotional mistake. The identification of love and stress has been lodged deep in our psyches and selves."
"Did someone who abuses us really love us? We so need connection that when we know someone loves us, we may become willing to put up with some hurts. However, abuse is never legitimate. Love can't be real when it includes abuse, which breaks the caring connection, or shows it was never there to begin with. To most of us, connection matters more than happiness, which might cause us to tolerate abuse, even though it's never deserved or appropriate, no matter what the provocation. Occasional, mild abuse in childhood is complex and doesn't have to represent a lack of love. Severe, unremitting abuse can never be an expression of love. To believe that a parent loved us 'deep down' all the time he was abusing us doesn't make sense. It lets a perpetrator off the hook and keeps us in the victim role. We may hold onto the opinion that dad did love us anyway, because that belief dulls the impact of his cruelty toward or humiliation of us. Our endurance of his abuse can also be dangerous in that it can legitimate the violence that we were required to tolerate. The love in a parent is real only if it comes with accountability towards the child. Love is not abstract. Believing this requires freeing ourselves from Plato's view that there's a realm of reality made up of pure and abstract forms and sentiments. That view doesn't apply to love. Love doesn't exist in some vague, disembodied, never-never-land. When we're grounded in adult reality, love as an abstract noun is insufficient and in fact impossible. Love is real when it is consistently respectful, and repeatedly shown in actions that demonstrate caring connection. Violation is hurt, no matter what the presumed underlying sentiment, and no matter how much it was meant 'for our own good.' A cruel father doesn't love us as long as he's cruel. If we add, "he was sick," we really mean he was too sick to love us. When we honor that distinction, we gain the wisdom to see that love is real only when it looks like love, acts like love, and feels like love all over."
kayrawan's review
5.0
Such an intense book, which is why it took me forever to get through! I found myself reading a chapter, and having to sit it down for a few days just to think about what David Richo was truly saying. I'll definitely come back to this book many times throughout my lifetime. It touches on so many aspects of love that I didn't think we were possible.
More...