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mxsallybend's review
4.0
OMG. Romance For Men: Pandora's Box has to be the vilest, crudest, most wildly inappropriate piece of profane filth I've ever read. I mean, it makes the Harold & Kumar movies look like some prudish, self-important, preachy Kirk Cameron evangelical flick. To put it another way, it makes South Park look like a lost episode of Davey & Goliath, one that was deemed too sermonizing for Sunday morning television.
That said, it's also the funniest damn thing I've read in ages. I'm talking laugh-out-loud, tears-in-your-eyes, unstoppable laughter. Seriously.
Jack Icefloe Jackson is, without a doubt, da man - a short, fat, bald little man with a 6-inch penis. He may not have the slightest interest, much less understanding, of how to connect with women on a spiritual, emotional, or intellectual level, but he knows how to bring them to orgasm. His own unshakable confidence in that power makes him irresistible to women, so much so his wife kills herself to avoid holding him back, and her two sisters fight for the right to have sex with him on the dirt-covered casket, all while their parents cheer them on and wonder aloud how the Lord made such a perfect guy.
I did mention tasteless, didn't it?
It's when Jackson destroys the government's clandestine XXX-69 Unit, bringing it to orgasm despite it being set to 250 on the Potential For Orgasm scale (a scale of 1-10, mind you), that things start to get serious. Summoned to the White House by President Obama himself, he is tasked with the mission of bringing Pandora, the most beautiful woman to have ever existed, to her first orgasm.
"If she doesn’t achieve orgasm by the time she turns twenty-one, her vagina will explode and become a black hole that will destroy all human life and plunge our world into an abyss of horror.”
With nothing less than the fate of the entire world on the line, Jackson is issued a license to kill (which he uses better than Bond ever did) and sent to seek out the Bitch Witch, who will help him to become a man worthy of Pandora. The Bitch Witch is stereotypically green, complete with black robes and pointy hat, and works in women's shoes at Bloomingdale’s, where she curses the old women foolish enough to waste her time trying without buying. She sends him on three quests: (1) to learn from Hot Nuns of Assisi how to connect spiritually with women, (2) from the smoking hot secret bastard granddaughter of Albert Einstein how to connect intellectually, and (3) from the blind lactation consultant of Cedars-Sinai how to connect emotionally.
As madcap, deliberately offensive, and uproariously funny as the story is, Jackson does grow into a true renaissance man, one who is worthy not of 'banging' but 'courting' the beautiful Pandora. It's a story that takes every trope, cliché, and stereotype of the action hero genre, satirizes them beyond the limits of parody, mocks itself at every turn, and somehow manages to maintain the same level of guilty, gut-busting laughs throughout. What it's not, and this makes all the difference, is cruel. It's actually almost innocent in Jackson's conceit, and that is what makes his behaviour amusing, rather than aggravating.
Believe it or not, there is actually some deeper meaning here, perhaps even a little (not so subtle) commentary on what it means to be a man, but the focus is definitely on the laughs.
Jack Icefloe Jackson, of course, is what makes the story work as well as he does. As narrator, he manages to lace the entire tale with violence and sexuality, never once settling for suggestion or innuendo, and out-does any macho movie narrator. As protagonist, his dialogue is so unabashedly profane and conceited, you can't help but come to like the guy. The incredible sexual power of his average-sized manhood is, of course, over the top, but everything else about him is so less-than-average, it completely (and deliberately) destroys the image of the suave, charming, muscle-bound, action hero.
If you're thin-skinned or easily offended, then give Romance For Men: Pandora's Box a wide berth. If, on the other hand, you can appreciate an over-the-top, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, parody of the action hero genre, then give it a shot. It's so inappropriate, you can't help but laugh, and it really is quite clever - in a vulgar and profane manner. Here's hoping the promised Suckubus sequel is more than just a tease.
Originally reviewed at Beauty in Ruins
That said, it's also the funniest damn thing I've read in ages. I'm talking laugh-out-loud, tears-in-your-eyes, unstoppable laughter. Seriously.
Jack Icefloe Jackson is, without a doubt, da man - a short, fat, bald little man with a 6-inch penis. He may not have the slightest interest, much less understanding, of how to connect with women on a spiritual, emotional, or intellectual level, but he knows how to bring them to orgasm. His own unshakable confidence in that power makes him irresistible to women, so much so his wife kills herself to avoid holding him back, and her two sisters fight for the right to have sex with him on the dirt-covered casket, all while their parents cheer them on and wonder aloud how the Lord made such a perfect guy.
I did mention tasteless, didn't it?
It's when Jackson destroys the government's clandestine XXX-69 Unit, bringing it to orgasm despite it being set to 250 on the Potential For Orgasm scale (a scale of 1-10, mind you), that things start to get serious. Summoned to the White House by President Obama himself, he is tasked with the mission of bringing Pandora, the most beautiful woman to have ever existed, to her first orgasm.
"If she doesn’t achieve orgasm by the time she turns twenty-one, her vagina will explode and become a black hole that will destroy all human life and plunge our world into an abyss of horror.”
With nothing less than the fate of the entire world on the line, Jackson is issued a license to kill (which he uses better than Bond ever did) and sent to seek out the Bitch Witch, who will help him to become a man worthy of Pandora. The Bitch Witch is stereotypically green, complete with black robes and pointy hat, and works in women's shoes at Bloomingdale’s, where she curses the old women foolish enough to waste her time trying without buying. She sends him on three quests: (1) to learn from Hot Nuns of Assisi how to connect spiritually with women, (2) from the smoking hot secret bastard granddaughter of Albert Einstein how to connect intellectually, and (3) from the blind lactation consultant of Cedars-Sinai how to connect emotionally.
As madcap, deliberately offensive, and uproariously funny as the story is, Jackson does grow into a true renaissance man, one who is worthy not of 'banging' but 'courting' the beautiful Pandora. It's a story that takes every trope, cliché, and stereotype of the action hero genre, satirizes them beyond the limits of parody, mocks itself at every turn, and somehow manages to maintain the same level of guilty, gut-busting laughs throughout. What it's not, and this makes all the difference, is cruel. It's actually almost innocent in Jackson's conceit, and that is what makes his behaviour amusing, rather than aggravating.
Believe it or not, there is actually some deeper meaning here, perhaps even a little (not so subtle) commentary on what it means to be a man, but the focus is definitely on the laughs.
Jack Icefloe Jackson, of course, is what makes the story work as well as he does. As narrator, he manages to lace the entire tale with violence and sexuality, never once settling for suggestion or innuendo, and out-does any macho movie narrator. As protagonist, his dialogue is so unabashedly profane and conceited, you can't help but come to like the guy. The incredible sexual power of his average-sized manhood is, of course, over the top, but everything else about him is so less-than-average, it completely (and deliberately) destroys the image of the suave, charming, muscle-bound, action hero.
If you're thin-skinned or easily offended, then give Romance For Men: Pandora's Box a wide berth. If, on the other hand, you can appreciate an over-the-top, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, parody of the action hero genre, then give it a shot. It's so inappropriate, you can't help but laugh, and it really is quite clever - in a vulgar and profane manner. Here's hoping the promised Suckubus sequel is more than just a tease.
Originally reviewed at Beauty in Ruins
jamessabata's review
5.0
I first encountered Jack Icefloe Jackson walking the floor of Phoenix ComiCon, this past June. I knew who he was. He didn’t give a shit who I was. I introduced myself, but I’m not a pretty girl, so he couldn’t figure out why I was wasting his time. Luckily, when he reached for his trusty dynamite, he accidentally pulled out a copy of his book, ROMANCE FOR MEN: PANDORA’S BOX instead. He bounced it off my head, leaving a mushroom shaped bruise, and told me he’d talk to me after I read it, because he had other places to be.
I opened it and read the first paragraph, where his wife tells him he needs to sleep with other women and I immediately put it away, knowing there was no way I was ready for what was in this book.
Jack had wandered away from me and was banging two cosplay girls in the haunted house while Jason Voorhees watched on, slowly touching his machete.
At home that night, I opened the book again and followed along as Jack described the most heinous things my brain had ever encountered; coffin-side gangbangs, Obama, and children who don’t know what pussy is. Along the way, Jack was recruited to save the world from Pandora, a beautiful woman whose vagina is about to turn into black hole and swallow the world. Knowing all women throw themselves at him, Jack is surprised when she declines his advances and he is forced to change himself in order to hook up with Pandora. He embarks on a journey to find spiritual, intellectual, and emotional clarity, something that appears to be a lost cause with this man.
This book flips the idea of a romance novel around and nails it from behind. But here’s the kicker: Buried DEEP in this book (almost six inches, to be exact) is the fact that under all the grotesque, disturbing imagery is a fun story that follows a psychopathic maniac, dynamiting people, screwing women, and ultimately becoming the man he never knew he could be, written by an author who truly understands humor and exactly where the line should be crossed and by how much. And then he pushes it another inch or two.
Somehow for a book that IS ALL ABOUT SEX, there is literally very little description of actual sex. I thought this was a great way to go about it, as this is exactly what it would be like to hear the story from a buddy. “I took her to my truck and banged her to within an inch of her life.”
Make no mistake about it, even without a graphic description of sex, this is a nasty, filthy, vile book that absolutely no one should read. It will literally offend every single person who reads it. If Jack took the time to reread it, it would even offend him, and that’s hard to do. It’s the kind of thing people who love Cards Against Humanity can’t stand. I highly suggest you stay away from it.
But we know you can’t. No one can resist Jack Icefloe Jackson. So at least read responsibly.
Also, the guy’s a complete asshole. I read his book and he never talked to me again.
God, he’s awesome.
I opened it and read the first paragraph, where his wife tells him he needs to sleep with other women and I immediately put it away, knowing there was no way I was ready for what was in this book.
Jack had wandered away from me and was banging two cosplay girls in the haunted house while Jason Voorhees watched on, slowly touching his machete.
At home that night, I opened the book again and followed along as Jack described the most heinous things my brain had ever encountered; coffin-side gangbangs, Obama, and children who don’t know what pussy is. Along the way, Jack was recruited to save the world from Pandora, a beautiful woman whose vagina is about to turn into black hole and swallow the world. Knowing all women throw themselves at him, Jack is surprised when she declines his advances and he is forced to change himself in order to hook up with Pandora. He embarks on a journey to find spiritual, intellectual, and emotional clarity, something that appears to be a lost cause with this man.
This book flips the idea of a romance novel around and nails it from behind. But here’s the kicker: Buried DEEP in this book (almost six inches, to be exact) is the fact that under all the grotesque, disturbing imagery is a fun story that follows a psychopathic maniac, dynamiting people, screwing women, and ultimately becoming the man he never knew he could be, written by an author who truly understands humor and exactly where the line should be crossed and by how much. And then he pushes it another inch or two.
Somehow for a book that IS ALL ABOUT SEX, there is literally very little description of actual sex. I thought this was a great way to go about it, as this is exactly what it would be like to hear the story from a buddy. “I took her to my truck and banged her to within an inch of her life.”
Make no mistake about it, even without a graphic description of sex, this is a nasty, filthy, vile book that absolutely no one should read. It will literally offend every single person who reads it. If Jack took the time to reread it, it would even offend him, and that’s hard to do. It’s the kind of thing people who love Cards Against Humanity can’t stand. I highly suggest you stay away from it.
But we know you can’t. No one can resist Jack Icefloe Jackson. So at least read responsibly.
Also, the guy’s a complete asshole. I read his book and he never talked to me again.
God, he’s awesome.
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