Reviews

There is no worse feeling, at least when I’m reading, than being ultimately let down with one of my most anticipated releases of the year. To think about how past-me was delighted to hear about Eden and Josh getting the HEA (because I feel like I have been waiting since 2016) is just disappointing now. I tell myself not to have high expectations and hopes, but it’s difficult for a book you have been looking forward to for so long. The ending of [b:The Way I Used to Be|23546634|The Way I Used to Be (The Way I Used to Be, #1)|Amber Smith|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1433883455l/23546634._SY75_.jpg|43145997] was pretty open-ended. It gave the readers a possibility for Eden and Josh to get a second chance, the right one, and to make things right. The ending also left readers wanting more in general, with how it was a little open-ended, one that readers can interpret on their own and either accept or realize there is still more to be said. So when I heard about this, I was so excited.

Only to be completely let down.

The biggest issue with this is the complete lack of character development. The Way I Am Now was supposed to focus on Eden’s character growth, where we witness her healing her wounds and scars from what she went through in the previous book–her SA, losing her best friend, distancing herself from her family, making up her lost time, preparing for high school graduation and getting into college–all these young adult things in life that were supposed to be a sort of “wake up call” for who she is. I was rooting for Eden in book 1, never blaming her for anything, especially as she was so young (she started at fourteen). Even through her most challenging moments of nothing but judgment and criticism, I couldn’t bring myself to hate her. I loved how the author wrote her character–with a cold exterior made to pretend she was okay, presenting a fake smile to hide her true emotions, showing a phony facade to endure her pain. I adored how she acted–bitchy, rude, cynical, pessimistic, and wholly absorbed in her ways, not caring about anyone else but herself. She was not meant to be liked; she was meant to be understood. She was not meant to be excused but to be listened to. But this was past Eden, Eden from high school, who made bad decisions and lost the most important people in her life. When we get to the end of book 1, we get an idea of who she wants to be in the future, hoping to make up with her friends and become stronger. She has dreams anyone can have, those related to relationships and love, college and a future career, anything and everything related to growing.

But we don’t see that here.

This book is supposed to be about Eden, but 70% of it is spent with Josh, 10% on herself, and the rest of the 20% is everything else–college, friends, making more stupid decisions, dealing with her dysfunctional family, her trial, work. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the moments she spent with Josh. The romance book lover in me was giggling and adoring the moments they shared, the mutual pining (this is dual pov!), their yearning for each other, and how they felt miserable without each other. We still see their love for each other, and there are a lot of moments between the two that are easy to root for. Many of the moments they missed out on in high school are made up here–the dates, hand holding, kissing, even the sex they use to make up. With how this is young adult, there aren’t a lot of graphics, but it also ventures a little more into NA territory, with Josh in college and Eden just starting college. Their sexual scenes are more fade to black, but there’s no hiding what they’re doing, and it’s easy to interpret what is going on. I’m only saying this because I know many (me included) don’t like sex in YA. However, I don’t mind/care about sex because it’s realistic; I just don’t read YA to read graphic sex, if that makes sense. Regardless of all the moments these two spend together, this book isn’t a complete romance, and it’s not meant to be, yet it felt like most of it was that. You would think I would be happy about this, but I am not because I was expecting a balance between the relationship and character growth of Eden.

Regarding Eden’s character and trauma, I didn’t like how everything was portrayed here. It’s not to say I share an experience like Eden’s, but I’m still going to give my opinion on how I felt about it.

I didn’t like it.

When an author decides to write an emotional journey like the one she went through, you can’t just brush it off like it’s nothing, trying to make it seem like romance is the biggest priority. Doing so just feels gross and lazy, unacceptable, as if romance and love are the cure for trauma. Some may say this wasn’t what the author did or her intention and that’s perfectly fine, but I didn’t interpret it that way. If 70%, or the majority of the story, is spent between Josh and Eden, being together, arguing, having sex, going out, and all these other things, how will there be room for Eden to heal supposedly? Was that not the point of this? To see Eden heal and find herself, figure things out as she goes through different emotions and journeys in this new path she’s setting for herself? Character development is crucial in stories like this. You can’t just give Eden a shitty story–one where her childhood and innocence were taken–and not make it a big deal in the following narrative that’s supposed to focus on her recovering, finding new happiness, and finding healing. Healing doesn’t happen within a day; we all know this. I am not, in any way, complaining about Eden not healing or recovering quickly or in a short amount of time. The process of healing is different for everybody. I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship for two years, and she only recently believed she’s finally made it after being in therapy for years and giving up on love forever. Now she’s with another guy, thriving and happy, even if the past still clings to her. Eden found that “ready” step she was looking for, but it wasn’t until the end. Therefore, throughout the story, she remains the same. There is no awareness of what she has done, no hints of regrets and remorse for her previous actions.

We’re supposed to feel bad for her simply because of what she went through and how she’s coping, but you can’t force me to feel sympathy for you when you don’t realize your mistakes. I will not excuse Eden for everything she did in high school, pretending she did nothing wrong and only she was wronged. I could understand her in the first book, feel for her, and even root for her. I even re-read The Way I Used to Be before starting this, and it made me understand her character even more now that I’m older. However, we aren’t talking about book 1. We aren’t talking about Eden’s mistakes in high school and how rude she came across. That is what this book is for! So why did we not see any development? Why did the author think the solution to making all this better was turning this into a full romance story for about 70% of the novel, ignoring that character growth is more than just finding happiness in the man you came to love?

I can’t even lie and say the relationship was a favorite part, because it wasn’t. Even with the moments I liked, their relationship development lacked chemistry. They see each other once in the beginning, and then they go out once, and then suddenly they’re together? We see them spend time together, sure, but again, this is where the character development should’ve been balanced out with the relationship. They didn’t get to know each other enough, and it felt like they just acted on pure instinct for their feelings. To me, Eden didn’t feel ready, and she clearly wasn’t as we see in the end, but, that’s exactly my point. That is my complaint. There’s just zero and no development whatsoever to show Eden has been growing as a person and trying to heal from what she went through. She felt like the same child in high school from book 1, making stupid decisions without really thinking them through. This book is also not a romance, so why is the romance much more apparent than her healing?

All in all, I just expected more. Disappointed wouldn’t begin to describe my feelings. I am appalled by the ridiculousness of this silly excuse of a book.

There are also a lot of plotholes, making the reading journey messy and confusing. The book is separated into four parts: April, July, September, and November. At least one month is skipped in each part. Now, I hardly ever criticize things like monthly time jumps. They make sense and feel necessary sometimes, with the author not wanting to write the book too long and make the story drag. We don’t need to know every single detail of the character. We don’t need to know everything they’re doing, every thought they have, every action they take. We need to know the most important parts enough to understand where the characters are coming from. But the time jumping in this doesn’t add to the story; instead, it takes away from it. We go from point A to point D without explaining what happened before. I will say that we’re probably supposed to accept what happens and move on simply. This is all great and dandy, but not when you don’t provide enough context to give your readers an understanding of what happened before. When we start with point A, confused about what happened before, it’s as if we jump to point D and never cross points B and C. We’re still left confused, with unanswered questions, unaware of what happened to get to our current point. How did Eden and Mara fix their relationship? How did Eden give another chance to Steve? How did Eden’s parents react to her confession after the end of book 1, when she and Caelin went in together to tell them the truth? What will happen to Kevin in the end? Will justice be served, and Eden, Mandy, and Gen be free? How did Eden make up all her missed high school assignments and graduate? How is Eden getting through college? Why do we not see more moments between her and her therapist? Does Eden not have more people around her to surround herself with? Why does Eden have to spend all her time with Josh? What happened to Steve, after all? Will Eden get a new therapist since her current one is back home and she isn’t living there? Why this? Why that? Why. Why. WHY. WHY?!

Furthermore, the ending doesn’t help whatsoever. Not only do we suffer through a measly excuse of a third-act breakup right at 80%, but this is where Eden’s development finally shines. NOT! SIKE! I’M KIDDING! IT DOESN’T TAKE UNTIL THE 90% MARK FOR EDEN TO WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET UP HER FUCKING ASS AND REALIZE SHE NEEDS TO DO SHIT FOR HERSELF AND HERSELF ONLY. LIKE YEAH! GET A TATTOO OF A DANDELION BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND DRAGGED YOU TO HER BF’S TATTOO SHOP BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO HER, YOU ARE A BADASS. YES, QUIT YOUR STUPID CAFE JOB! START FUCKING JOGGING! QUIT SMOKING (AGAIN!) GO TO YOUR FUCKING COLLEGE CLASSES THAT YOU ARE PAYING FOR BECAUSE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS NOT FUCKING CHEAP! MAKE UP YOUR ASSIGNMENTS! YES QUEEN! DO IT NOW! NOT LIKE YOU HAD ALL THE FUCKING TIME BEFORE TO DO THIS!

Please don’t ask me why I wrote this in all caps and in bold. I’m too upset to care.

The saving grace of this was Josh and the beginning of their relationship. I was so excited for JoshEden that I tuned off everything else. If you do this for the entire story, you’ll enjoy this more than I did, but I also don’t think it’s fair to rate this based on that only when the story is supposed to be more than that. As some of you may know, I primarily read romance, and the most significant factors for my enjoyment are the relationship and characters, with everything else, like plot, writing, etc., following in after. Suppose a romance has mental health representation, sexual orientations that are different than the usual (like asexual rep), or anything related to more than just romance that also plays an important role. I try to judge the book with an open mind or analyze how I feel about it if I don’t have first-hand experience with something. In the case of The Way I Am Now, even if I can’t relate to Eden in any way (and I hope no one has to, but this world is unfair sometimes), I don’t think the author gave Eden enough development she deserved. Books like this will always be analyzed differently and are subject to be interpreted differently; I am not here trying to defend myself, but I will say nobody is right or wrong in how they feel about this. Some may be fanatics of how Eden was written and be fans of her “development,” even if I disagree entirely. Some may see Eden as vulnerable but strong when discussing her emotional experience.

Don’t get me wrong; there are MANY moments where Eden’s vulnerability and strength shine together. I loved when she stood up to her ex-manager; I loved when she could be truthful in her trial and stand up to herself; I loved… I loved….

Huh?

I don’t know what else I loved.

Maybe nothing?

Cause what else is there to love? What more about Eden was there to love when Eden never really acknowledges nor accepts her wrongdoings, not until the end; or how she doesn’t show us moments of her healing; or how she makes herself the victim for everything, ungrateful for what she has?

Excuse me, I am under the weather today. After all, it is flu season here, and my brother and niece are sick, and I feel myself getting sick. My throat hurts. I might need to remember important moments.

Or I might be feeling a little guilty because of what Eden went through and feel like you all will think of me as a rude, insensitive bitch because I can’t acknowledge it.

That’s fine, though, because I know I’m not. Despite so much time passing, I didn’t expect her “healing” to be spent so lonely, pining over a guy, and not focusing on herself. We skipped four months, and we’re only told a few things that happened in between this time, but we never see anything.

Honestly, I liked this book at first. As previously mentioned, I loved the moments between the two main characters, and the dual POV helped tremendously, but it got to the point where it got repetitive. There was nothing new to look forward to, nothing to root her in Eden’s character.

This book would not have been enjoyable if it weren't for Josh. I would have rated this one pathetic star if it weren’t for Josh and the lovely moments he and Eden had together at the start. Joshua Matthew Miller can do no wrong in my eyes. New book boyfriend or whatever (I don’t keep a list). My golden boy with too much weight on his shoulders, doing things for his parent’s sake, wishing someone would see him for who he is. The greenest flag. My consensual King. The most patient boy. Shy. Loving. Respectful. I don’t care what anyone says; he deserved better than Eden. I hated how the author made him seem like the bad guy as if he also doesn’t have personal demons he’s fighting. I hated how he blamed himself for everything and felt he should take the blame for what happened with Eden (their break up). When he says something Eden doesn’t like, she changes the subject or doesn’t reply, but the moment he speaks up, it’s game over for him. I loved his consent and respectful manner. He respected boundaries and wanted to get everything right. Eden truly did not see what a wonderful and amazing man she had in front of him. Instead, she would make herself the victim, making Josh feel bad for not “wanting” to have sex with her or touch her, even though he was doing it out of courtesy because he wanted to learn what triggered her. I am embarrassed by Eden, to be honest. She constantly complains about people not understanding her, and the moment Josh does, she’s upset. Choose a side to be miserable in, bro.

In addition to Josh being the saving grace, I enjoyed learning more about him. I loved how he stood up to his father, not just once, and stood his ground. He never backed down, and he made sure to make his father feel guilty for what he did to the family (alcohol addiction). Trusting Josh’s family was difficult initially, but they grew on me afterward.

In conclusion, I take back all the excitement I felt when I heard about this. The most memorable part about this is Josh, which is sad because even though we get his POV, this is more Eden’s story than anyone else’s. What a shame it hardly felt like it, though. What a shame that I have to be upset about this.

And thank you to my amazing and lovely friend, Hoda, for buddy reading this with me!

cece_meister18's review against another edition

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emotional inspiring sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.75

anobsessedreader's review against another edition

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Strong character development? Yes

5.0

At the start of this book, I didn't like how Eden treated Steve. But then Steve treated her horribly as well. And as the book went on, I realized that all of these characters sometimes do bad things, but doing bad things doesn't make you a bad person.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this book because I feel like it was obvious that Josh and Eden shouldn't be in a relationship. Josh gave too much of himself without taking care of his mental health and Eden depended too much on him for her happiness. So when they broke up due to her not

disclosing that she hasn't been taking her bc and him having a horrible reaction (for which they both apologized)

, I was glad. In this time apart, they both grew and did things other than a relationship that made them happy. Because any healthy knows a relationship should not be your only source of happiness.

I understand why the ending was very open ended but I hope that Josh and Eden end up together and that Kevin gets fucking locked up. Side note: we don't get to see much of her brother and family after that last scene but I really hope Caelin and the family as a whole heals because I think this was a very traumatic experience for everyone. Hopefully we get a spin off book with Caelin because I can't stop thinking about him as he was being quite unhealthy the last time we saw him.

annachanslor's review against another edition

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challenging emotional inspiring sad

5.0

quinnmantell's review against another edition

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5.0

Wow, just wow. I haven’t felt this way about a book in a long time. The way I couldn’t stop thinking about this book and this story! Eden will forever hold a special place in my heart and I am so proud of her story and how she continues to go through her own process of healing. Her love story with Josh was a bonus, I honestly believe they’re endgame!

_because_she_reads's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional hopeful tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

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