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ebonyutley's review against another edition
3.0
Silent agreements are a simple concept with profound implications. People have these agreements that they don’t know that they have. Keeping them silent acquiesces to the fear of loss which is why we have them in the first place. So we act them out and make ourselves and everyone miserable in the process. We can acknowledge them and then eliminate them, readjust them, or live with them. The choices are ours. The stories in the book were pretty bad. I was like, “Damn, this is really bad, just talk to each other,” but it’s always easier to see the mote in someone else’s eye.
A friend recommended the book. I felt like I should read it so I ordered and read it in a day. I didn’t intend to read the book symbolically, but a month has passed and I’m rewriting my review, and honestly, I don’t have any desire to do anything about my agreements at this moment besides acknowledge them. My personal inertia is not the fault of the authors. It is however, informed by the fact that the authors present their addressing silent agreement scenarios in ideal speech situations.
There are few cultural contexts for silent agreements. There was one mention of culture in the workplace on page 186 but otherwise, the authors write as if culture doesn’t matter. It was disappointing that they didn’t point that out even though some of the stories were of ethnic families if you knew what to look for. But what are the implications of cultural patterns in silent agreements? My hunch is that these convos with a black mother are going to be totally different than with mothers of other races. What if the silent agreements are about race, gender, or sexuality? There are no strategies for what to do if the person you have a silent agreement with refuses to talk to you, and you still have to live together. There’s no mention of having to sever ties with family. I was waiting for examples of parents and grown children not in caretaker roles. Those are the hardest silent agreements to sever in my opinion. You can divorce a spouse. There was advice on how to do what’s best for the kids, but how do you divorce your mom or dad? What happens then?
I trust the authors’ definition and descriptions of silent agreements, but I don’t fully trust the authors’ strategies for implementation. I am well aware that silent agreements are rooted in guilt and fear--particularly the fear of trying and failing. That is the majority of the reason I don’t want to address them. And, without contradiction, I honestly believe that the authors, while so close, do not give quite enough tools to address silent agreements in the very, very less than ideal speech situations.
I do recommend the book. It was very insightful. It just doesn’t delve into the dark side. What if bringing up a silent agreement results in harm? What about silent agreements with domestic abusers? What about silent agreements with people who wield power over you? What about silent agreements with people who will not play and will never have a conversation with you? The authors says resistance is a good sign but what it if never relents? Yes, we too often fear losing the relationship, but what if losing the relationship comes with high costs like losing custody or resources or one’s life? What does one do then? Sometimes the fear isn’t unfounded. It’s a very real and present danger. What happens then? That might not be within the full scope of the book, but it’s so important. It warranted a mention.
A friend recommended the book. I felt like I should read it so I ordered and read it in a day. I didn’t intend to read the book symbolically, but a month has passed and I’m rewriting my review, and honestly, I don’t have any desire to do anything about my agreements at this moment besides acknowledge them. My personal inertia is not the fault of the authors. It is however, informed by the fact that the authors present their addressing silent agreement scenarios in ideal speech situations.
There are few cultural contexts for silent agreements. There was one mention of culture in the workplace on page 186 but otherwise, the authors write as if culture doesn’t matter. It was disappointing that they didn’t point that out even though some of the stories were of ethnic families if you knew what to look for. But what are the implications of cultural patterns in silent agreements? My hunch is that these convos with a black mother are going to be totally different than with mothers of other races. What if the silent agreements are about race, gender, or sexuality? There are no strategies for what to do if the person you have a silent agreement with refuses to talk to you, and you still have to live together. There’s no mention of having to sever ties with family. I was waiting for examples of parents and grown children not in caretaker roles. Those are the hardest silent agreements to sever in my opinion. You can divorce a spouse. There was advice on how to do what’s best for the kids, but how do you divorce your mom or dad? What happens then?
I trust the authors’ definition and descriptions of silent agreements, but I don’t fully trust the authors’ strategies for implementation. I am well aware that silent agreements are rooted in guilt and fear--particularly the fear of trying and failing. That is the majority of the reason I don’t want to address them. And, without contradiction, I honestly believe that the authors, while so close, do not give quite enough tools to address silent agreements in the very, very less than ideal speech situations.
I do recommend the book. It was very insightful. It just doesn’t delve into the dark side. What if bringing up a silent agreement results in harm? What about silent agreements with domestic abusers? What about silent agreements with people who wield power over you? What about silent agreements with people who will not play and will never have a conversation with you? The authors says resistance is a good sign but what it if never relents? Yes, we too often fear losing the relationship, but what if losing the relationship comes with high costs like losing custody or resources or one’s life? What does one do then? Sometimes the fear isn’t unfounded. It’s a very real and present danger. What happens then? That might not be within the full scope of the book, but it’s so important. It warranted a mention.
jonesannleslie's review against another edition
4.0
So often in our relationships, conflicts are caused by mismatched expectations. This book details the steps towards revealing those mismatches and resolving problems in different facets of our lives.
ramonamead's review against another edition
5.0
This is a powerful look at the ways we silently learn things at a young age, and how those lessons stay with us into adulthood and affect our relationships. It's a truly eye opening concept that any reader will benefit from. I appreciate that the authors address relationships of every type, not only romantic, including the agreements we make with ourselves. There are clear examples of what silent agreements are and how they manifest in a relationship. Then, there are exercises to walk us through identifying the silent agreements in our lives and how to address them. There are even templates for having a potentially difficult conversation. It's a thorough book that addresses important issues we all face but likely don't recognize.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
ramonamead's review
5.0
This is a powerful look at the ways we silently learn things at a young age, and how those lessons stay with us into adulthood and affect our relationships. It's a truly eye opening concept that any reader will benefit from. I appreciate that the authors address relationships of every type, not only romantic, including the agreements we make with ourselves. There are clear examples of what silent agreements are and how they manifest in a relationship. Then, there are exercises to walk us through identifying the silent agreements in our lives and how to address them. There are even templates for having a potentially difficult conversation. It's a thorough book that addresses important issues we all face but likely don't recognize.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
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