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Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness by Jessica Valenti
avesmaria's review against another edition
4.0
I'd consider this essential reading for anyone who is thinking about having kids, or has kids, and has secretly wondered if having children would really be so great (or why it would not). This book is smart, logical, and a great introduction to the challenges that women face surrounding decisions on whether or not to have kids, and everything that comes after. It's actually not about kids, but about the culture of parenting in America - one of absolute, total sacrifice for your kids at the expense of a sense of self or sanity, one of being an expert on everything, one of sanctifying the idea of "maternal instinct" and vilifying "bad parents." Valenti sharply and intelligently shows how everything from cultural norms to family leave policies and mommy blogs stack the deck unevenly against women, leaving them with more guilt, less agency, and fewer flexible, welcoming environments in which to raise kids. She makes it pretty clear that society's expectations - and the truly messed-up legislation that sometimes springs up from them - are really to the detriment of children, women, and the partners of parents everywhere, and what we really need is a picture of parenthood that acknowledges the reality of life, rather than creates a competitive culture of independence and one-upmanship. If you read a lot of feminist blogs or books, some of this will probably be old news to you, but it's a good primer on the subject.
stephaniesteen73's review against another edition
3.0
This book exposes the "lies" and the "truths" of parenthood - mainly motherhood, both from the author's own experience as well as a vast array of research, articles, studies, etc. It also traces the view of parenthood/motherhood throughout history.
There is a lot of depressing stuff here: men STILL don't come anywhere near equal partners, even when both work full time; women are STILL assumed to be the "natural" and "best" parent and their efforts go largely unappreciated while men are lauded for their fathering heroics and portrayed as "babysitting" their own kids. The book also explains a lot about how kids are being raised today with the expectation that they will be everything to the parent and have the parent be everything to them - setting up both sides with a recipe for disillusionment and failure...and essentially creating a generation of entitled kids.
While I disagree with the author's ultimate conclusion: all women should work outside the home, I admire the thought process she used to arrive at her conclusion. It was also one of those books that I keep mulling over days after finishing it.(My personal view on working mothers that can afford the luxury of the decision (most can't): feminism fought to give every woman a choice. This choice can be to work full-time, part-time or to stay home, or any combination of these situations over the life-span of child raising. What's right for one is NOT right for all, and what's right for one person at one time in their kids' lives is NOT right at another time.)
There is a lot of depressing stuff here: men STILL don't come anywhere near equal partners, even when both work full time; women are STILL assumed to be the "natural" and "best" parent and their efforts go largely unappreciated while men are lauded for their fathering heroics and portrayed as "babysitting" their own kids. The book also explains a lot about how kids are being raised today with the expectation that they will be everything to the parent and have the parent be everything to them - setting up both sides with a recipe for disillusionment and failure...and essentially creating a generation of entitled kids.
While I disagree with the author's ultimate conclusion: all women should work outside the home, I admire the thought process she used to arrive at her conclusion. It was also one of those books that I keep mulling over days after finishing it.(My personal view on working mothers that can afford the luxury of the decision (most can't): feminism fought to give every woman a choice. This choice can be to work full-time, part-time or to stay home, or any combination of these situations over the life-span of child raising. What's right for one is NOT right for all, and what's right for one person at one time in their kids' lives is NOT right at another time.)
bookph1le's review against another edition
5.0
Reading books like this restores my sanity. I found myself nodding along with so many of Valenti's points. I suspect that this is the kind of book that people will slam without reading, and that's an injustice. Valenti is bringing up a lot of points that could seriously impact families for the better, regardless of their parenting styles, socioeconomic status, etc. There is work to be done here. More complete review to follow.
Full review:
Though the title of Valenti's book is provocative and sure to inflame, this is not a book that's making an argument against parenting. What this book actually does is take a critical look at the social and cultural constructs surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, and break them down piece by piece. Valenti is attempting to open a dialog that is long past due, one that forms a cornerstone of American culture and that has a lot of influenced not only on how successful we are as individuals, but as a culture.
Divided into two parts, Valenti's book takes a look at some things she terms "lies" and others she terms "truth", but her ultimate conclusion is this: we need to have a much more honest dialog about parenting, its challenges and rewards, and what society needs to do to support parents before we can really make any progress, and she is absolutely right about that. The only way we're ever going to progress beyond the wage inequalities, the ridiculous "mommy wars", and the continuing discrimination against parents who are members of a minority is by having an honest and open dialog about how parenting looks in America and how we really want it to look.
I'll start with the "lies" portion of the book. In it, Valenti considers such cultural constructs as "mother knows best", "breast is best", and that having children will "complete" a person. I found this portion of the book so refreshing, because so much of the rhetoric surrounding these kinds of issues reeks of condescension and outright misinformation. It is designed to make women feel badly, to convince women that they ought to chain themselves to home and hearth, ignore their own well-being, and subsume themselves completely, all in the interest of maintaining some impossible standard of perfection. Valenti isn't arguing against breastfeeding or stay-at-home moms--and, as someone who has both breastfed my children and decided to be a stay-at-home mom, neither am I. Instead, what Valenti says--with which I wholeheartedly agree--is that people should be empowered to make the decisions that are best for them and their families. Instead, we currently live in a society that ignores years of scientific research in favor of creating a hostile environment in which women are made to feel inadequate for being unable to live up to an unrealistic image of the uber-mom.
The "truth" section deals with discussion of such issues as the decline of the nuclear family and the rise of women--and men--who are choosing not to have children. We have a sort of cult of the "traditional" family in this country, and Valenti is making an argument for why it's a myth that it's unnatural for people not to want to be parents, or that children who have same sex parents are somehow damaged. Valenti cites a great deal of research to back up her points, and she illuminates the fact that a lot of the misinformation serves as a smoke screen that prevents us from having truly fruitful discussions about what we need to do to improve society, which would improve outcomes for everyone.
Valenti shows how entrenched interests buck against truthful dialog because it doesn't serve them well to have a progressive discussion about the nature of families and parenthood, and how their regressive policies damage all Americans. Rather than mothers banding together to work toward affordable, high-quality child care, the current system encourages women to viciously tear one another apart for the decisions they make about their work/family balance. Rather than Americans demanding more flexibility and better pay from their employers--which would have serious impact on the quality of home life for both parents and children, they can argue about whether or not children are best served by families that observe traditional gender roles.
As I read, I couldn't help but feel like Valenti was helping to bring some sanity back into the world. The bottom line is that most parents dearly love their children and want the best for them. Yet, rather than taking steps to ensure a brighter future for their children, parents are often either bogged down with crippling guilt over their perceived failures or they're busy waging war against one another over the choices they've made.
For my part, I'm with Valenti. Let's talk about what makes Scandinavian countries so successful when it comes to family/work balance and the overall happiness and satisfaction of women. Let's take a look at our broken systems in the United States (health care, education, support for working parents) and figure out what we can do to fix them so that all Americans will have better outcomes, which in turn would lead to better outcomes for our country as a whole.
Full review:
Though the title of Valenti's book is provocative and sure to inflame, this is not a book that's making an argument against parenting. What this book actually does is take a critical look at the social and cultural constructs surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, and break them down piece by piece. Valenti is attempting to open a dialog that is long past due, one that forms a cornerstone of American culture and that has a lot of influenced not only on how successful we are as individuals, but as a culture.
Divided into two parts, Valenti's book takes a look at some things she terms "lies" and others she terms "truth", but her ultimate conclusion is this: we need to have a much more honest dialog about parenting, its challenges and rewards, and what society needs to do to support parents before we can really make any progress, and she is absolutely right about that. The only way we're ever going to progress beyond the wage inequalities, the ridiculous "mommy wars", and the continuing discrimination against parents who are members of a minority is by having an honest and open dialog about how parenting looks in America and how we really want it to look.
I'll start with the "lies" portion of the book. In it, Valenti considers such cultural constructs as "mother knows best", "breast is best", and that having children will "complete" a person. I found this portion of the book so refreshing, because so much of the rhetoric surrounding these kinds of issues reeks of condescension and outright misinformation. It is designed to make women feel badly, to convince women that they ought to chain themselves to home and hearth, ignore their own well-being, and subsume themselves completely, all in the interest of maintaining some impossible standard of perfection. Valenti isn't arguing against breastfeeding or stay-at-home moms--and, as someone who has both breastfed my children and decided to be a stay-at-home mom, neither am I. Instead, what Valenti says--with which I wholeheartedly agree--is that people should be empowered to make the decisions that are best for them and their families. Instead, we currently live in a society that ignores years of scientific research in favor of creating a hostile environment in which women are made to feel inadequate for being unable to live up to an unrealistic image of the uber-mom.
The "truth" section deals with discussion of such issues as the decline of the nuclear family and the rise of women--and men--who are choosing not to have children. We have a sort of cult of the "traditional" family in this country, and Valenti is making an argument for why it's a myth that it's unnatural for people not to want to be parents, or that children who have same sex parents are somehow damaged. Valenti cites a great deal of research to back up her points, and she illuminates the fact that a lot of the misinformation serves as a smoke screen that prevents us from having truly fruitful discussions about what we need to do to improve society, which would improve outcomes for everyone.
Valenti shows how entrenched interests buck against truthful dialog because it doesn't serve them well to have a progressive discussion about the nature of families and parenthood, and how their regressive policies damage all Americans. Rather than mothers banding together to work toward affordable, high-quality child care, the current system encourages women to viciously tear one another apart for the decisions they make about their work/family balance. Rather than Americans demanding more flexibility and better pay from their employers--which would have serious impact on the quality of home life for both parents and children, they can argue about whether or not children are best served by families that observe traditional gender roles.
As I read, I couldn't help but feel like Valenti was helping to bring some sanity back into the world. The bottom line is that most parents dearly love their children and want the best for them. Yet, rather than taking steps to ensure a brighter future for their children, parents are often either bogged down with crippling guilt over their perceived failures or they're busy waging war against one another over the choices they've made.
For my part, I'm with Valenti. Let's talk about what makes Scandinavian countries so successful when it comes to family/work balance and the overall happiness and satisfaction of women. Let's take a look at our broken systems in the United States (health care, education, support for working parents) and figure out what we can do to fix them so that all Americans will have better outcomes, which in turn would lead to better outcomes for our country as a whole.
ashpanda88's review against another edition
3.0
Thanks to this book for solidifying my decision to not have kids.
somanybookstoread's review against another edition
4.0
This was an intelligent and well-researched feminist perspective on realities of having children that are often glossed over by society. Should moms stay at home? Should children attend day care? How is a woman viewed if she doesn't have children or continues to value her career after she does?
I read this book because I feel ambivalent about whether or not I want to have children and wanted to be probed to think about the decision further. The book succeeded in making me think further, but I will say that, despite the author being a mother herself, it really presented the idea of having children as less glorious as many people want you to think it is.
A worthwhile read for sure! And impressive writing too.
I read this book because I feel ambivalent about whether or not I want to have children and wanted to be probed to think about the decision further. The book succeeded in making me think further, but I will say that, despite the author being a mother herself, it really presented the idea of having children as less glorious as many people want you to think it is.
A worthwhile read for sure! And impressive writing too.
browardvanessa's review against another edition
3.0
Definitely gave me some things to think about. There were bits that were reassuring and others that were totally bizarre. Hopefully it will keep things in perspective as I enter the world of parenthood.
amandae129's review against another edition
5.0
Recommended for those with kids, thinking about having kids or are curious about those with kids. A short book with a lot of information showing the history of parenting and why things are how they are now. Highly recommended.
alexisrt's review against another edition
3.0
I'd like to give it 2.5 stars. It's not bad, but it doesn't really cover any new ground. Valenti sums up a bunch of blog posts and articles I'd already read. She gets in some nice zingers against the natural brigade, though I think she could probably have done a little more looking at birth and not credulously quoted Jennifer Block.
Quibble: she misquotes Mayim Bialik. I hate to do this because I loathe her, but her quote about home birth and evolution is trimmed. The full quote has her saying she doesn't subscribe to it, but "some people think..." It's one quote, and I didn't go checking all the quotes in the book, but I remember that one from the Internet fuss and checked it.